We’ve been in a relationship for under a year, and to be honest this is the first relationship I’ve had where there’s been some compatibility questions. I’ve have pretty argument free relationships before and I thought i had good conflict resolution skills, and I think I’m good at being warm and understanding. Honestly last few breakups were both due to circumstances and were amicable.
With this relationship he’s so lovely and he makes me laugh and he seems very introspective and more open which I appreciate. But at times he gets so down on himself about seemingly normal every day things and I wonder if I’m being dismissive or even callous. These are two traits I don’t really recognise in myself but maybe I’m just not used to getting this much inner-world data from a partner and I’m getting unfairly impatient.
Long story short, he almost always needs to complain or mope about something, seemingly anything, and I’d say 60% of the time it’s broody.
For example, he didn’t feel perfectly motivated at work that day, and it brings an air of hopelessness despite the fact he gets very good work done 80% of the time. Of course it comes from a bigger place, and we’ve discussed it at length, but it becomes a very cyclical unloading of needing self-perfection. I wondered maybe if he’s depressed but he rejects that but perhaps has a brooding temperament.
Now, I’m a relatively chipper person, I don’t really complain much and when I do I move past it pretty quick. In his case, he seems to dwell and ruminate on things and he holds himself to a very high standard. I find myself suddenly becoming a bit invalidating because I want him to not take so many things to heart! And I try to uplift him like “It’s okay to be at a lower capacity some days, it’s not possible to be 100% every day, it ebbs and flows” and I think he doesn’t really like when I try to soften the situation. He’s a normal guy so it’s not like he’s angry about it but you can tell it’s not hitting what he needs. And it’s frustrating to be like okay I’m not understanding you and then it’s just an unsuccessful interaction. And listening is good but it also feels extremely cyclical.
I feel somewhat at a loss i want to let him just work it out himself sometimes and focus on us instead. I can tell he doesn’t try to bring me down with him, but it’s an aura. And a part of me like “Why! Stop!” Which is of course dismissive of your partners inner world, but because the conversations tend to move towards negativity and about his own productivity, I can feel myself just wanting to escape the conversation.
Anyway I’m in my 30s and I feel a bit silly because it’s just about support, but I just want someone else to give some input and maybe they’ve experienced something similar. We have had conversations about this but I don’t want to make him feel like he can’t share or he’s a burden, but I’m also…a bit exhausted.