AITA For not having my 2 older sisters as bridesmaids
Sorry for super long story, I want to explain my reasoning because no one in my family seems to care about my intentions and are making me feel like a complete piece of shit. Some contexts I’m the youngest of 4 girls lets call us in order Rose, Lily, Emma and me Sophie 29years old(not real names). I have recently become engaged to my partner of 8 years, was previously very excited to plan the wedding but the last few days have put a damper on it.
Me and my partner lets call him Dean, have been talking about marriage for a long time but we were young when we met so werent in a rush and prioritized getting a house and going on 2 dream holidays. Because I knew we would get engaged someday I had already picked my 3 bridesmaids and we had decided on a small backyard wedding at my parents house, very low key and DIY think aussie bush party with a homemade cake and wedding dress (I love being creative ) 2 hours away from where I live with friends sleeping in swags so the party can go on as long as we like.
I had picked bridesmaids that were very close to mine and Deans relationship (note for later this is not a who I love most list) my sister Emma that is 2 years older than me was going to be my maid of honor, I am closer to her then my older 2 sisters simply because we are 2 years apart we went to school at the same time, we both moved 2 hours away from home and lived together and most importantly she set me up with my partner that she had met through her partner (also now her fiancé yay!) – Typical little sister i didnt want to listen to her when she tried to set me up with dean, but she was sneaky and got us in the same room and we instantly hit it off and hung out for the 8 hours straight, 2 weeks later i was basically living at his place and 8 years alter he is still the best part of my day. Her reasoning when I asked why she thought we would work was he lives close and has a dog plus then we can hang out in the same friend group haha. Me and Emma can have a fiery relationship and get mad at each other without it affecting our relationship I really appreciate this because it means I don’t have to put on front we can both be completely ourselves with each other and we don’t hold it against one another when we are being irrational. My other bridesmaids is my partners sister in law I'll call her Emily we are very close and hang out all the time (shes also friends with Emma) she’s my closest friend and means a lot to me. Her and her partner (Deans brother and best man) have always had my back and welcomed me into the family immediately. Deans older sister Sarah has never liked me and made it her mission to talk badly about me to everyone that will listen and to this day is still telling people im not Deans person and we will never last even after 8 years (Dean is no contact with her for many reasons including how shes treated us) Emily has been the person that kept me sane and helped me and Dean through all of Sarahs drama. Without her a confused 21year-old me could of thrown away an amazing relationship Dean because of Sarah. And lastly, I have chosen Emily’s daughter Elle who will be 18 this year. Dean lived with Emily and Elle when we first got together and essentially so did I, I love her so much and watch her grow up. Seeing Dean with Elle was a big part of what made me fall in love with him (they are still very close and it meant a lot to him when I said I wanted her as a bridesmaid). Small note that I love is the first time me and dean said I love you, Elle beat him by an hour haha. All this said the reason I didn’t include my other 2 sisters is because I honestly didn’t think they would really care about the role and theres not much bridal party stuff to do, im making my own dress so dress shopping is kind of pointless and i personally want to apart of planning my hens (bachalorette) party as similar to the wedding i dont want anything crazy and dont want anyone spending too much money. visually i didn’t want half the guest being part of the bridal party given its such a small wedding, there would be 5 groomsman and 5 bridesmaids plus me and my partner, if I had everyone that’s 12 people up there. I know you don’t have to have matching groomsman and bridesmaids, but I would be able to handle it if they weren’t even and i have a thing for the number 3, I like things being done in threes I don’t know why but my brain likes it.
Now to the shit show, I will note I said they weren’t bridesmaid very abruptly and its came out very rude I honestly didn’t mean to it just came out, I think because I knew my bridesmaids for so long I thought they did too. I had spoken about it with mum dad and Emma on separate occasions before I was even engaged just figured it was common knowledge. So I defiantly am the asshole here. Emma isn’t having any bridesmaids and its a decision her and her partner have made together, she still wanted to do stuff with mum and the other gals but no formal bridesmaids she is also now in the shit with the girls, hopefully less so then me as i feel she doesn't deserve this backlash.
My sisters were immediately upset and I knew I f'd up. But I figured I would just talk to them the next day when they have cooled down. That night Lily messaged in the sisters chat saying she was hurt and was taking space and didn’t want to be included in anything then left the group. I messaged her privately and said I was sorry I really didn’t know that they would be upset about my decision and understand she needs space. I got this back “you’ve opened our eyes to what sisterhood really is the damage is done and is irreparable. You’ve shown us where you stand in your life and who you value. This grief isn’t because you didn’t choose us, over the loss of a relationship that I thought was more than it was. It the embarrassment of thinking there was a sister bond with all of us. You and Emma have tried to make it clear that the bond is just you two and that’s on me for not taking the hints sooner” this was a surprise and I didn’t understand were it came from. Being closer with Emma in age, location and friendship group in my head didn’t mean I didn’t love Rose and lily, and I just have a different relationship with both them I connect with them through different hobbies, come down often to see them and their kids facetime and call regularly speak everyday in the fambam group chat. I thought we had a good relationship, and I didn’t think my relationship with Emma was an issue. This happened on a Saturday night I couldn’t sleep and was crying all night over a lot of confusion on my end.
My parents thought the reaction was over the top and were going to talk to her. I sent Rose and lily a message apologizing for 1 how I said it, 2 not knowing it was important to them and then explained myself. I saw my best friend from school before heading home as she was also not a bridesmaid and I was worried she might feel the same (I was her maid of honor at her wedding and I was also a bridesmaid in Rose’s wedding when I 16, Lily isn’t married yet) she did not care at all and had already assumed that Emma and Emily would be my bridesmaid and thought it was sweet that Elle was going to be one too. She is the youngest of 5 girls so I thought she would have some insight. Her sisters were all her bridesmaid and they were excited but surprised and didn’t expect to be when she asked she said through a lot trying to decide who to have either 2 friends or just a her 4 sisters but her partner had a lot of friends he wanted up there so she just had everyone. she had a more formal wedding and everything worked out nicely. She thought these reactions from my sisters was very strange, given that she had already deduced my bridemaids and thought they would off too. My mum spoke to lily and has flipped and now thinks that Lily’s response is valid. I used Chat gpt to breakdown and understand the message this is the breakdown - “My mum later sent a long message explaining my sisters’ perspective:
- She said they see being a bridesmaid as symbolic of lifelong sisterhood and support. They imagined all sisters standing beside each other at weddings and sharing those memories long-term. My mum expressed concern about future family relationships and closeness, especially as everyone grows older and parents are no longer around. She emphasised that my sisters wanted involvement, emotional closeness, and inclusion, not just a title.
- Lilys past experiences seem heavily activated - The part your mum relayed about Lily’s being “a pain in the arse” during Rose’s wedding years ago is psychologically important. What Lily appears to have internalised was: “Even when I was difficult, I was still chosen and included.” So inclusion became emotionally tied to: forgiveness, unconditional belonging, family loyalty, and being “kept inside” the family unit despite flaws. Now your choice may have activated an old wound/fear: “Maybe I’m not actually securely loved or included.” That doesn’t mean you caused the wound. It means the situation likely touched something pre-existing. And yes — there’s an element where your wedding has unconsciously become a stage for unresolved feelings about: sibling closeness, perceived exclusion, family hierarchy, changing adulthood relationships, and fear of drifting apart.
I don’t like that my sister is hurt but Im getting more and more angry that a wedding that should simply be about me and partner committing to each other is becoming about managing my sisters unresolved feelings from 14 years ago and all about my family and what they need/want. I dont want to a bridezilla but it has always been my understanding that weddings are about 2 people. This isn’t the first time Lily has made things about herself and lately it feels like shes trying to find a reason to hate me, recent example getting mad im not going on mums 60^(th) birthday trip to bali, I cant afford it and just got back from Vietnam. I was told about the birthday 2 weeks before going to Vietnam. I cant afford 2 holidays 8 weeks apart.
I’ve been unable to stop crying since Saturday (Wednesday now) and got sent home from work yesterday because I physically could not stop. I’m not sure if this is just because i now feel isolate physically and emotionally from my whole family who I generally thought I was so close to, talk to them everyday in the fam bam group chat and call my mum everyday for silly chit chat or if it also because I recent got diagnosed with graves which means my body’s nervous system has less capacity to deal with the emotion and increases my anxiety. Over all there just been a million things going wrong in my life with the graves diagnoses 4 weeks ago, my ADHD symptoms being out of control because my normal coping mechanisms like intense exercise aren’t possible while struggling with graves, my dogs been in and out of the vet (hes 13 year old mastiff and Im terrified of losing him),the financial pressure of going to the psychiatrist (adhd) and endocrinologist (graves). This engagement was finally some good news i love my partner so much and cant wait to marry him but all of this has made me want to elope. Sorry for the emotional dump I don’t feel like I have anyone to talk to with my family drama and my best friend Emily just lost her grandad and I don’t want to put anymore on her plate, I feel she will feel guilty for being a bridesmaid. im not speaking to anyone in my family except for Emma but i dont want to put her in the middle. im upset with my mum because it felt like she understood and then immedietly changed her mind.
this is my first post i apologise if i've made this too long