Is this how living really is?
Ill preface this that I'm quite aware that I am very lucky and that all I'm doing is just probably throwing a tantrum. I'm 22 years old and I just graduated university with a job offer from an internship I was working in. I have a salary that leaves more than desired but the opportunity to work straight after work is a blessing.
Yet I feel like drowning. Every single day I wake up wishing I had more time to just do nothing before jumping to work. I know I shouldnt complain for having a job, especially in this economy, but I dont understand why I'm feeling this way. My boyfriend and boss keep on telling me that I take on too much work and that I have too much on my plate, but it feels bearable. Im a casual employee but sometimes I work 10~11 hours a day. To me, that feels like "life" and complaining about it is just wrong and ungrateful.
Yesterday I slept for 12 hours wondering why is it I even try so hard to work. Money doesnt make me happy anymore. Last night I felt like running off into the rain at midnight hoping to get sick. It felt like I wanted to shout at the moon. This morning I broke my glasses. I cant see, I wanted to rest for one more day but no matter how much I complained I'm still at my desk writing this post down.
What scares me the most is how I cannot seem to just walk away from anything for a single day. My exhaustion builds up, yet I forget everything the moment I arrive home. I am actively seeking for any opportunity to be harmed, to fall in an accident, to get sick just so I can have an excuse to say that I'm not okay.
Is this normal? Is this how everyone lives? I was diagnosed with MDD as a teenager and then ADHD at 20. Before long I had realized that all my hobbies brought no joy and had just realized that if it weren't for my parent's lugging me around, I would just rot in darkness without even feeling motivated to eat or shower. Yet I keep on thinking that it's all in my head since I can shower in the morning and show up at work with a smile on my face. Is this what it means to be alive?
Im sure everyone goes through something like this. This mundane loop is bound to bring people to despair. How do you cope with it? Last year I didnt know what to do so I nearly resorted to something drastic. How do you cope with living like this? I dont want to use my mental illnesses as an excuse to not being able to function like a normal person in society, but I feel like ignoring them entirely just makes the problem fester.
Regardless, if this is such a nonissue then still I beg for advice. Anything would do. I just want to live properly without needing to hurt myself to relax.