What do you do when you are wasting your life but don't know what life is supposed to be like?
When I was in high school, I tried to make new friends. I approached a guy and asked "How's it going?" and he replied "Not good, because you're here." After that, I stopped going to school.
Now, in my early twenties, I struggle to do almost anything. Most of my time goes to eating unhealthy food and consuming content like videos, streams, social media. I can't even bring myself to play video games. But the worst part is not knowing what I want.
I feel disconnected from my own humanity. I see people around me longing for relationships, chasing dreams and I feel none of that. Yet I still carry a deep sadness about my situation, so heavy that I can't be alone with my thoughts, even at bedtime. I put on videos just to fall asleep.
It feels like I'm wasting the best years of my only life.
Social situations terrify me. The fear of rejection is constant, even joining a voice chat in a game makes my stomach tighten with anxiety. I've tried to fix this: therapy, medication, support centers, online research, and trying to understand myself. But after seven years, I'm in the same place.
Right now, this feels like a puzzle designed for someone far smarter than i am and that brings me a deep, heavy pain.