Hi there, I’ll try to keep this as short as possible but there’s a lot. A little over a year ago, I went through my boyfriend’s phone and found out he had been chatting with AI bot girlfriends on random apps, with some of the scenarios asking the AI to convince him to cheat on his girlfriend. I also found out he had made a throwaway account on instagram and was following and liking a bunch of OF girls (plus looking up random OF girl nudes on google) and it made me spiral.
In my previous relationship, my ex had cheated on me and also behaved similarly with following and interacting with OF girls online, which he knew, so this hit me really hard when I found out my current BF had done the same.
We talked it out and I decided to forgive him, but even still, it has been very difficult for me to forget, hence why this post is coming a year after the fact.
My paranoia comes and goes, but recently it has started to spike back up to the point it’s interfering with our relationship. E.g.: There are times where we’re going out and on a date or just out somewhere I’m just watching where he’s looking if an attractive girl walks by. I’m paranoid that he’s looking at other women and fantasizing about them, I’m paranoid that he’s still looking at those stuff online, and I’m just constantly paranoid that he’s hiding something from me. I know he watches porn occasionally still but even thinking about that makes me feel awful about myself, but I don’t want to be controlling.
I haven’t looked at his phone in a long time, I know it’s not a healthy behavior for myself or for our relationship, but I just can’t help but wonder if he is hiding something again.
I love my boyfriend and I know he loves me too, he promises he hasn’t done anything that would upset and I choose to believe him, but it doesn’t stop me for excessively worrying about it.
Anytime I try to bring it up he gets frustrated that I’m digging up problems from the past and we never really get anywhere. I know I just need to stop feeling so insecure, and he does make many extra efforts to reassure me and tells me how attractive he finds me and that he loves me, but I can never just seem to get that voice of doubt and anxiety out of my head.