u/Mammoth-Particular74

I have quiet BPD and my partner has a disorder that I hear doesn’t pair well with BPD and can often cause cycles that neither one of us can let go from. I’m in therapy because of him and have been for a good 7 months. I feel like I have my BPD under control for the most part, specifically my outbursts and suicidal thoughts, but I still have bad tendencies when it comes to myself and my feelings for another person. We’ve been together for over a year, I moved in with him and got matching tattoos after a couple months of dating so I just feel very attached like he is a huge part of my life. We used to break up and get back together within a few days / hours constantly. A while ago we finally broke up for good and though I wanted to break that no contact I knew it wasn’t good for me + I genuinely hated his guts bc of the reason we broke up so I didn’t. After 3 months he contacted me and I fell right back into him again after making him promise to be good to me (that lasted about 1 week). We lasted about a month before I found out he lied to me about something big and we broke up for good again. These past couple of months since we had our break up have been so weird because we cannot stay away from eachother. We tried again as friend maybe 2 times, somehow got back together, then broke up again. Then after 3 weeks of not talking we started to chat little by little every week, which turned into us hanging out every once n a while, which turned into sleepover, which turned into being affectionate with eachother, which leads me to today where we are back saying I love you, texting everyday, acting like we are together but we are not. It’s genuinely so incredibly hard and frustrating not to fall back into my favorite person and I hate it so much. I hate being with him, I hate him as a person, but that never stops me from wanting to be with him. My friends are fed up understandably and don’t understand why it’s so hard for me to just stay away, they don’t even know im in contact with him again at this point. I’m really frustrated because I hate him and the whole reason he doesn’t want to be together is because he can’t handle a relationship, yet he continuously talks to other woman since we aren’t officially together all while cuddling me to sleep and telling me he wants to marry me which drives me insane. I just want to be done with this and him and I’m so frustrated all the time because I just can’t seem to let him go, especially when he does something to make me hate him more so I can write him off and hate his guts for a while before he swoops back in and is nice to me which makes me fall back into it even though I know it’s false manipulation. I feel submissive almost when someone abuses me and I’ve begged and cried for him back even if he was the one completely at fault and I don’t actually want him, I just feel like I need to beg and cry for some reason, which I think gives him a false sense of security that he can do whatever he wants and I’ll crawl back, and when I don’t after a while he breadcrumbs me and I fall for it. The thing is I know it’s false and it won’t get better but I just physically can’t stay away. We’ve had multiple talks these past few a weeks about how we shouldn’t be together and we are so awful together and better as friends, mostly because he doesn’t have the emotional capacity to care about someone as his gf but he’s fine doing it for a friend. Yet we are right back where we had just talked about not wanting to be and I feel like he’s pretending not to notice and so am I. I’m so beyond frustrated and just wondering if anyone else has experienced this and what helped you finally escape? I genuinely can’t do this anymore and I need help because someone telling me to just not talk to him anymore really doesn’t cut it and that’s all the advice anyone has ever had for me :( for a little more context I live fairly far away from friends and family bc I moved out to where he was when we moved in together (we don’t live together anymore) so I don’t know if knowing he’s the only one around me is also hurting my inability to not be with him. Idk help