If I don't let my thoughts out I might actually break down. This is EXTREMELY LONG and mostly a vent for myself, so you don't have to read or whatever. (not vivid sh description but I don't want to risk it)
I'm sick and tired of being the person people want me to be. Specifically my mom. I love her so much but that feeling can swing drastically between outright hate or annoyance. She was pretty nice and funny up until I started 3rd grade. We had online school and covid, and she started getting a lot stricter, telling me that I would be homeless in the future if I made even one tiny mistake. If I did something she considered "really bad" she'd use a clothes hanger to hit me and yell the entire time. I think she used rulers too, but I try not to remember.
Then it got worse. It got to the point that in 4th-5th grade I was nearly completely convinced that I wouldn't make it to my teens. Everything she said at that point was just basically criticism and blame. She constantly compared me to my classmates and friends, then saying how they were just using me and making me really paranoid of everyone. She kept saying about how I never was and never will be enough. I suppose I'm lucky that I'm a coward and there's nothing I could use in my house.
Somehow I dragged on and made it to middle school. But now came the consequences. (Started earlier but started to get worse) I loved drawing and sketching, and when she got mad, she would tear up my sketchbook right in front of me. Months of work just destroyed instantly because of a completely unrelated topic.
Now I hate even staying in the same room as her. She constantly yells when upset and I'm tired of it. When it goes past my limit, I just shut down. It's not the best method but it's the only thing I can do. Plus, she keeps giving me more and more work and classes and forces me to follow her schedule so I have to do my homework super late at night. She always uses this super condescending tone, and I think she knows it pisses me off too.
Kinda last thing, she runs an afterschool in our home. The house is pretty small so I have to hear preschoolers screaming all the time. And I can't do anything because then my mom will get mad at me. I hate them. It's unreasonable but everytime they have a small issue my mom cares for them like an actual mom. She just ignores and blames me for everything. IF YOU HATE ME SO MUCH AND LOVE THEM, JUST KICK ME OUT AND ADOPT THEM INSTEAD. It would make things so much easier for EVERYONE.
My dad knows and wants to divorce her, but I'm terrified because I somehow still love her. Also my dad is very loose so I can't really rely on him for anything if they do divorce. They fight because of me and I feel so bad. I know it's selfish but I'm scared. I'm scared for what my future would be if this does happen. I'm just so, so tired of living like this.