u/Mamacitachikita

Alcoholic spouse gave me an ultimatum a few days ago that either I return home with our kids (3 yo and 8 month old) or he’ll divorce me. I have been staying away at my parents’ house because I need someone to watch the kids in the morning for 1-2 hours before the babysitter shows up. My spouse has been secretive about his drinking which means I can’t trust him with the kids.

I had set a boundary that we needed to have open communication and honesty, and he had to show active commitment to recovery before I could return home. He expressed that he feels abandoned and shunned.. and that he needed “normalcy” in order to be able to work on his recovery. He repeatedly tells me I’m handling his addiction wrong. That if I return, he’ll start going to the gym daily, and incorporate healthy habits into his routine as part of his recovery. He told me he hadn’t drank in 3 days..

I know a boundary is a boundary.. but given his claim that it’s been days since he drank (totally didn’t believe that), I told him I would only return home and leave the kids with him if he blows into a breathalyzer. He got very defensive (surprise surprise) and said doing so would be a huge hit to his self esteem.. that he couldn’t do it. He said I could sniff his breath or even watch him via FaceTime while he had the kids. I couldn’t agree to that.

I do feel bad because I know he loves his kids and misses them. Our toddler loves him too.. and no longer questions why we are staying at grandma’s..

I just don’t want to enable his behaviors at all. Could I have handled this better? Should I allow him to see the kids under supervision? Or will that make things harder more confusing and chaotic for the toddler?

And shocker.. he didn’t divorce me even though I said he could go ahead and do it if he wanted.

When I discovered my husband’s alcohol addiction over a month ago, we had a talk and he told me he was so grateful he got caught.. bc he’s wanted to quit and this would push him to do it. Since then, our relationship has been worse than ever.

The level of deflection is out of control. First, when I told him I wanted to sleep in separate rooms until trust was re-established, he told me that would slow his progress. Then, when he found out I had told my sister about his alcohol addiction (after finding my old iphone and monitoring my texts) bc I needed support after all the lying/gaslighting I had undergone, he told me he had lost my trust. He then told me he wouldn’t move on until I told him everything I’ve shared about him to my family. Now our conflict has evolved into an issue of me regaining his trust. He says my family knowing has caused significant mental distress and humiliation that prevents him from moving on and working on himself.

When I decided to stay at my parents house so that the kids can be safe with them while I’m at work, he was very offended and accused me of “assuming” he’d be drunk in the morning and said it was my fault for not straight up asking him about the extent of his drinking. I had made it clear I wanted him to be open and honest. The few times I did ask about his drinking, he go defensive and continued lying.

I understand alanon’s principle of detaching with love. But how do I do that when he keeps bringing the problem back to me? When the blame keeps falling on me.. asking for advice because I genuinely have no clue how to act anymore. I feel like I keep hitting a wall.