u/Maleficent_Sock_8851

I'm 31M and recently had a fall-off of my partner of five years. He was the only person I'm comfortable. The break up was totally my fault and you will know why if the more you read.

Everytime I look in the mirror, I can't help but to hate how i look. I look visibly aged. It didn't help I look like s**t. The skin care routine can only make your skin clearer, not de-uglify the face. I tried dating apps again like Grindr. It's even worse when I last used it before my relationship. Everytime i send my pics, i get blocked immediately. I know. It's expected. I tried to be cool about it but it stings. I never felt uglier in my whole life. I deleted it entirely and will never go back since the ads and the limitations on the location makes the app totally unusable.

It also didn't help how i approach my relationship. Many people say that they have "attachment issues", well so am I. The only issue is that I'm total opposite of that. Those people get easily attached, i don't. Maybe because I'm a massive introvert and i am used to being alone and do things alone for as long as i can remember. There are many times I flake and cancel on my then partner when he wants us to meet. It's either i'm busy with my work, hobbies, or just wants to be alone. He was patient with me and undertood it. Unfortunately, i became too complacent and he decided to just part ways. As much as it hurts and don't want to end the things with him , I obliged. I am really planning to take the relationship to another level, but I became way too detached with him. I can't even remember when I actually said "I love you" to him. I feel guilty because I feel like I wasted his time but I think it's for the best for the both us to go our separate ways. I don't know what's wrong with me but why can't I ever express or even experience romance? Was it a shield due to previous rejections? Was it being so used to being alone? Was me being raised by emotionally detached family? I really don't know but there's something wrong with how I approach relationships.

Right now, I'm focused on my career and improving myself. I recently just got a gym membership and started working out. I used to play badminton but stopped due to ankle injury and i won't be able to return until July. The body image and self-esteem issues and emotional detachment definitely is the reason I won't be able to get into a relationship anytime soon. I want to come to terms with that.

I'm not gonna lie, although I'm used to being alone, it can get lonely. No matter how much cope i come up with being by myself, there's always a crave for relationship and intimacy. But with how things are right now, my looks, my internal issues, and how small and harsh gay dating scene is, a romantic relationship is an elusive dream.

Right now, I'm not actively looking for a relationship, but I'm not totally shutting my doors for a possibility of a romantic relationship. I'm still trying to work on myself and not to do the same mistakes i did with my last partner.

And if that never came, c'est la vie.