I am feeling hopeless and exhausted. I got 1 thing done today that I was supposed to, sorta 2. This is good, its fine, I'm really glad I did that, but the rest of the time (No work, nothing to interrupt me) I just read, laid around, and did nothing pretty much, aside from some gaming time this morning.
All this cause my brain keeps not letting me crystallize thoughts. They stay stuck in that dream-limbo state, where logic doesn't operate correctly; they are just out of reach of my consciousness. I can see them, but I need external input to condense them, I need external input to *seek* external input, and I just am so frustrated, and tired.
I'm struggling with thoughts of 'does life ever get better?' cause of stuff like this, never getting projects more than 10% or something, randomly losing interest/skill at things.
I can hardly speak to anyone I'm at all interested in, even platonically, have ZERO clue how to organically interact with people without a 'shell' for an excuse. Like, in the context of work I can talk to someone at work, but I would have absolutely no idea what to say to them outside of that 'excuse' for why we were talking, were I to see them in public. If I did see them, I'd probably wave, smile, etc; I'm not antisocial, but I do not know HOW people interact organically, in a similar way to the thoughts not crystalizing thing, my ability to be original socially is just.. really bad
I have a wonderful family, who are great and who aren't pushing me too hard right now, especially since I've managed to get them to understand some of my difficulties, but I just can't seem to find a job or work on any personal projects. Sometimes I have good weeks where things feel ok, but otherwise I've been kinda depressed.
I'm scared of so much stuff, I'm constantly battling between a side of me that is obsessed with perfection and perfectly anticipating life, and a side that is aggressively dismissive of that and overcompensating.
The autistic side is begging me to standardize stuff in my life/make progress, the adhd is trying to keep me moving, but I'm really just feeling torn apart in the end.
I have so many fragments of thoughts and ideas and I know I should just journal them or something and that it might help but for some reason I just.. don't. I just can't pick up the pen/open the doc. Sometimes I can and do, but sometimes I just don't, which means a lot of fragments get lost.
Idk what to do and I'm just feeling so frustrated with my lack of ability. Its like that one tumblr post, I wish I could just find 'The Vitamin' that I was missing and just fix it all. I was an honors student. I'm supposed to be the smart one, the one with so much potential.. and I AM, sometimes! I've had to actively fight off a not insignificant amount of arrogance in my life, just cause sometimes I'm really smart and really detail oriented. I'm awesome sometimes, God's given me some crazy gifts.. but apparently I'm also EXTREMELY balanced lol I'm very much NOT OP in the grand scheme.
I got my bachelors recently, that was a big deal.. but I hate everything to do with networking, and turns out its 'who you know' to get into anything. I also have no confidence in my abilities in a practical sense, at least on their own. I need somewhere where I can *learn.*
Anyway, if you read this rant, thanks. I just really needed to get all that out of my head. ^(Watch me get hyperfocused on the thing I was struggling with all day now, now that its nighttime and I should be going to bed)