Please, please help! I am so unsure of what to do: I, 19-F, am in my freshman year of college, around thirteen hours away from home. I have a great support system surrounding me at all times, and I have made several new friends all while growing stronger bonds with people I knew from high school. Even though its had its faults, it has been a pretty great freshman year.
So, for context, my school is on the quarter system. This will help for timeline purposes. So, at the end of my first quarter, my roommate/best friend's boyfriend was over, and he decided to invite one of his good friends from his class. He came over, and as I was giving my roommate's boyfriend a haircut, he asked for one too. This was where me and my 18-M friend met. This night my friends insisted there was some chemistry between us, and I thought he was cute, but I definitely wasn't buying it.
Some other small context for this story is in general, I am just a curvier person. I have always been plus size, and it has always been an insecurity I struggled with. This boy, who I am friends with, is definitely quite thin. This will come into play later.
After I gave my friend a haircut this night, he pretty much became an extension of our friendgroup. He wasn't always there, but he definitely was a lot. I felt my feelings grow for him at this time, but a crucial detail about me is that I continued to push it down because of my own insecurities. I had friends tell me they thought he liked me, but I was too anxious to do anything about it. So then Christmas break hits, and I kinda forget about it. I come back and decide to throw myself on the dating scene, and go on a couple dates with this guy from Hinge. Although, the more I went on dates, the more I got to know my friend simultaneously in my friendgroup- and I ended things with the Hinge guy. I just couldn't keep using it to distract me from someone I really, REALLY liked. It became more of a stressor. This was back in February, and as you know, it is now almost May. I have tried to keep my options open for myself, but the more I become closer with my friend, I just can't.
Simultaneously, he has continued to do things around me that I just can't consider anything but flirting. He singles me out in conversations, always calls me little names, and just in general pays more attention to me? He does things I've never seen him do with anyone else in the friendgroup. Like one time I was ring tossing, and he gently grabbed my hand and guided it from where I needed to throw it. Whenever he hands me things I swear his hand lingers on mine. He always has lingering looks. I had a bump on my arm from this vaccine I got, and he kept randomly rubbing my arm to ask if the lump was still there. Like, could you not just ask? Like GOD, wtf?? Even my friends have said it has gotten to a point that if he doesn't like me, it would almost be bad on his part. Everything kind of crumbled around me the other day when I was giving the guys in my friendgroup haircuts, and after I cut his, some hair was stuck to his cheek from the condensation. In a conversation with everyone, I let him know casually, and he stuck out his cheek for me to wipe it off. Like what. the. fuck. Is that not like- flirty?!
I feel like for most people, this would be a big FAT green light to go ahead and make a move. But here are some things stopping me. Sometimes I'll shoot him a text, about something he left in the room, or if his haircut still looks good, but he will almost never continue the conversation on his part, or has ever started one really through text. We do see each other quite often because of the group though. There was a streak for a while where he would send me some TikToks, but it has kind of trickled out, but still does send them to my roommate/best friend and her boyfriend. That is one reason I am kind of nervous, but the other is even bigger: My crippling insecurity. Standing next to him, I am just bigger than him. It makes me cringe so hard, and my brain is telling me that he will never ever like someone like me, since he is quite thin. That is my biggest obstacle: that he sees me as the fat funny friend and I am nothing but someone he is comfortable with. He has said things like I am photogenic and stuff like that in group convos, but never straight compliments. It is a constant battle with myself that I might confess, and just ruin the friendgroup and embarrass myself.
He definitely isn't someone that's dated a lot of people (I think) and seems to be pretty nervous. He went to a religious all boys high school, so he hasn't had a lot of experience being friends with women which is another point of contention. For example, one time my roommate's boyfriend asked what my friend would do if he had 12 hours left to live, and he said "he still wouldn't ask anybody out, because he'd be too nervous".
That statement alone makes it feel like this entire situation is in my hands.
I have so many people saying I should, and that they think he likes me back, but my friendship with him and the potential group dynamic could be forever changed. I'm someone who can enjoy having a crush, but these feelings are stronger than anything I've felt in a while. I feel like college are the years to do this, but I just am unsure. Any advice is appreciated, and even if you think I should go for it, let me know how you think I should go about it. I will answer any and all questions!