I am in a long term relationship. We are engaged. We've been together 8 years. This started 1 year ago and since then I keep thinking I can't continue this any longer but nothing makes sense to me. It all started with sudden thoughts "am I a lesbian" literally out of nowhere which sent me spiralling and panicking for a year now (I always identified as bisexual and didn't have any issues about this that I'm aware of)- it flips between sexuality, needing to break up, panicking..asking myself if I love him, if this is what I want, if I really am gay. I went to therapists. It was suggested that it could be ocd. The intensity of it has gone away and now it's just constantly in my head without the panic and urgency (which makes me think it's even more true). Even still, I'm stuck and don't know what to do - at this point it jut feels real. I don't want to break up or end my relationship because I love my partner but maybe that's because I'm afraid. But maybe this is what I really want? It just doesn't make any sense to me. It's on my mind 24/7 constantly from the moment I wake up - the questions, am I gay, do I want this. I can't tell anymore what is thought and what is fantasy, what is desire or what I really want to do. I feel so lost.
Lately when I see women who present as queer I find myself drawn to them - but then in my head, I can't even tell if I'm attracted to them, or if I'm thinking about whether I'm attracted to them - and then I spiral into again, this means I'm gay, I need to tell my partner, this is over, deep down I know.
I just want to go back to not thinking so much - just feeling attraction to a man or a woman even, but I feel like now I just think about whether I do. I feel like my relationship is doomed at this point.