I don’t know what I‘m feeling
Hello everyone,
This is my very first post on here. I was diagnosed with Adhd last year and a few weeks ago with ASD.
I stopped researching about Autism after my diagnosis, I don’t really know why. I guess, I‘m avoiding doing the work to heal. So I don’t really know whether what I am experiencing is related to my diagnosis or not. I know it can be hard to identify emotions or feelings for Autistic people. I think, I just want to get this all out and see if some of you can relate.
I haven’t had a close relationship with my mother for more than ten years. She did a few things (not directly to me but to my sister) that are unforgivable for me and changed the way I perceive her. She has been a caring mother to me, even though she wasn’t there a lot. So I find it hard to put the two (or more) parts of her together, I don’t understand who she really is.
We haven’t spoken in years, I just reached out to her a few months ago to ask if she could fill out some questionnaires for my diagnostic (which she did).
This morning I read a message of her saying she will be having heart surgery on Wednesday, she just wanted to inform me.
Since then I am kind of spiralling. I feel very destabilised but I can’t figure out why. I don’t think I am sad or anything. I just feel like, her getting heart surgery reminds me of my own mortality or my own aging (I am 37). But I am not scared to lose her since she hasn’t in my life anyway for such a long time.
I think I want to know, should I be sad or scared for her life? Is it selfish that I am more concerned about myself than about her? Has anyone gone through something similar?
Thank you so much already for reading!