u/Maleficent_Fee9805

You read it right, I don't want to be depressed AGAIN.

I don't want to feel the crushing weight of depression on my shoulders because I know for a fact in my heart that it is a deep void that surely won't let me see the light of day.

I don't want to go back to the way that I was before, it was suffocating and I barely made it back alive literally and figuratively.

I can feel it going back in and I am not a fan of it. The reason why I am venting right now because for the majority of my life I kept that 'THING' this 'FEELINGS' inside me because guess what my family is so emotionally distant and emotionally stunted that every time there is a problem it's almost as if we're all practicing social distancing instead of confronting each other.

I am trying my best to break this cycle but it is so hard. I envy families who are open to each other whether this is positive or negative atleast you get a small grasp of understanding on why and how each member of the family is feeling (this Depends but I hope you get my point).

BUT IN MY FAMILY, it is like talking to a wall.

I'm not gonna be a hypocrite and say that 'oh I communicate my feelings effectively whenever I have a problem.'

I don' t, because like they say 'it runs in the family'.

Don't worry because I am almost out of this 'emotionally unavaible asylum' because believe it or not I was the CEO that runs that place for 4 years. I have deserted my friends and compromised my future for it.

As of now, I can say that I have noticed some significant improvements when it comes to being Vocal about what I think and feel about myself and especially to others. YAY I DEVELOPED MY OWN PERSONALITY!! AT THE AGE OF 25.

These are surface level achievements to me but for some it would look like I'm just barely scraching the surfaces but who cares about what others think am I right?

'At least I'm trying', these are words I would say if I want to justify my own incompetence.

I couldn't even believe that the most effective way for my depression to 'go away' was exposure therapy. Going to back to college and interaction with another breathing soul that has the capacity to say what's on their mind was the most effective HEALING process for me and as well as coming out to my family.

After coming out as 'gay' to my family I felt a huge weight off my chest.

I felt like I could finally breathe in fresh air. Taste the sweetness of life. Face the bitter truth of reality that no one really give a ****.

For the first time in my life I felt 'invincible'.

I worked on my 'disdain for being gay and my self deprication era' and fixied bad habits one step at a time.

I have been diagnosed by a medical professional and will not choose to disclose for safety purposes. I have tried medications and it worked for a while until it did something to my body trust me it was negative.

I have not taken a single medication afterwards that. I feel good on a certain level of 'bare minimum state of feeling of getting by the day'.

We are in a financial crises situation right now but it still manageable. I managed to land myself a scholarship spot at a college institution I'm currently studying.

Which is why I don't want to feel depressed again. I can't afford to lost this progress because it's the only thing keeping me whole.