u/MadeleineDebois

So ive known my friend for years now. They used to identify as a demi boy but now theyre just nonbinary with they/them pronouns. I actually discovered my genderfluid identity by meeting them as they explained their own experience with gender so theyve always been a safe space to be myself and explore my gender.

Fast forward almost 4 years and they now live in my second bedroom as my roommate to me and my husband. Out of nowhere recently, theyve been heavily policing how I talk about my gender and what terms im "allowed" to use. They told me that because my gender isn't fixed, I can't say Im a Trans man and I also can't say Im nonbinary. They just keep saying "youre not non binary, youre not a Trans man, youre just genderfluid." I explained that genderfluid isn't my gender, it just explains that I have multiple genders I switch between, two of those genders being Trans male and nonbinary. They dismissed it again saying you can't use those terms, even going as far as saying genderfluid isn't a nonbinary identity even as an umbrella term! They keep insisting im gender nonconforming even though I dont identify with that term and they say I don't belong in Trans or nonbinary spaces. Its just so weird because of how wrong it is when theyre usually so aware of these things.

So the other day, they tried doing it again and I blew up. I pulled up the definition, told them theyre a dumbass, and to not tell me what my own gender is. They responded by ignoring me while playing on their phone and then just got up and left, locking themself in their room.

Theyve been doing that for the past 36 hours aside from when theyre at work, completly avoiding me now as if Im the one who's in the wrong for blowing up at them.

I just feel so insane about it like Im asking for a lot when its literally just me asking them to respect my identity.

What should I do about this? I haven't talked to them yet since. Do I set a boundary saying this is my identity and its not your place say how I experience and express it. Or is it even worth it at this point? Clearly evidence and explanation isn't effective, but theyre supposed to be myself friend and one of the only people I can be myself around, or so I thought.

Edit: UPDATE

I sent them a text basically saying what I said I would which was I dont need you to agree with or understand my gender but this is what I am. They texted back and this was their response. They didnt even mention the part where they said I can't be Trans male or nonbinary. Also, I sometimes say Im Trans female just because im never entirely cis even when Im femme so thats what theyre referring to.

"I think it’s fair that you feel hurt and I understand why so i don’t want to discount that, im sorry i hurt your feelings, but im feeling frustrated with the whole situation because you’ve been using labels that aren’t yours to use. It’s really been upsetting me that you said you used the label trans woman and i understand gender is complicated but that is not you, or any other afabs label to use. And it just feels like you have a misunderstanding of gender identities and labels and won’t listen to me when i try explaining. I don’t want to make it completion, but i’ve literally been here longer than you, I know what’s going on you don’t need to explain it to me and it feels condescending when you do. It’s not an excuse but that’s why i’ve been so agressive with my behavior so I am sorry for that. i’ll respect whatever you say from this point on, I don’t think that we shouldn’t have conversations about this anymore because it just turns into fights.

But also I’m frustrated because I’ve tried stopping these arguments before they go too far, but you keep going. I said it during our fight on sunday, that we should agree to disagree and you keep bypassing that and continuing to argue with me. When i say agree to disagree can we just stop?"

Tbh its hard to say agree to disagree when its my identity and theyre denying it, but at this point I might just ask them to move out just because me and my spouse have wanted our own space anyway.