u/Maddiesin

W, 32,AuDHS ( späte Diagnose)

Hey, mich interessiert sehr, was andere Menschen im Spektrum so für Musik hören und wie.

Für mich war Musik schon immer eine Art "Bedienungsanleitung für Gefühle & Beziehungen"

Wenn ich Musik höre, spüre ich das emotional immer sehr stark. Es ist, als könnte ich zumindest mir selbst und dem Interpreten Gefühle zugestehen und zulassen, weil ich das ansonsten ( ohne emotionalen, musikalischen Input) vor mir selbst und besonders vor anderen Menschen überhaupt nicht kann.

In sozialen Interaktionen fühle ich mich oft vor mir selbst fremd - masking I guess - und habe oft keine Ahnung, wie ich auf andere Personen wirke.

Im Nachhinein höre ich dann Musik, die mir hilft meine Rolle in allen zu verstehen und zu finden, aber auch wie ich mich im Bezug auf meinen Beziehungen zu anderen Menschen fühle. In meinem Kopf sind dann z.B Lyrics alles meine eigenen Worte, die ich entweder mir selbst oder anderen Menschen "mitteile".

Oft erlebe ich das wirklich wie ein Kinofilm im Kopf, ich denke das ist das klassische Scripten ( vorher) und ewige analysieren der Situation im Nachhinein.

Es kommt vor, dass ich einen Song oder einen Interpreten wochenlang on repeat höre, weil ich mich verstehe bzw. verstanden fühle. Generell ist es für mich schwer, auf neue Musik einzulassen.

Als ich im AuDHS-Burnout gelandet bin, war ich so stark von mir selbst entfremdet, dass ich keine Musik mehr gehört habe. Es ging einfach nicht. Der "Kinofilm" in meinem Kopf war wie durch ein ewiges graues Nichts ersetzt und ich wusste nichts mehr über mich und meine doch sehr intensive Gefühlswelt..

Habt ihr einen Song/Songs, die euch sehr stark berühren weil ihr euren Struggle darin wiedererkennt oder weil er (für euch) sogar über das Leben im Spektrun ist?

Für mich wäre das:

- Darwinism & The great impersonator von Halsey

Meine Lieblingsinterpreten sind Nine Inch Nails, Radiohead, John Frusciante, to name a view.

Hey there.

Well, I finally feel like I have the energy back to leave some thoughts and feelings here that need space - maybe some of you can relate. Maybe this post will remain unseen or uncommented, but at least I got myself some space inside of that chaos I’m trying to find a way out of.

So... the last few years have been hell for me. I don’t want to sound pathetic, I don’t want pity. I just want to get this out. And while this is a NiN sub, I still feel that this is the only right place to do so.

I don’t want to go into detail. But whenever I thought “this is the worst year of my life” it actually got so much worse. To the point I lost my job. So much weight that I was risking my life. I temporarily lost my ability to speak. I was leaving hope. I couldn’t listen to music anymore because I felt like a stranger to myself - disconnected from feelings I used to understand or at least be able to have, feel.

I was ready to leave. I was so desperate. I tried. I gave up. So, so many years.

I had lost interest in everything that mattered. That day NiN played at Coachella with BN I watched some of it on TV - not expecting much because I was just a dead version of myself - but NiN has been part of me, my life, my fight since I was a teenager. I could vaguely recall the feeling of refuge, validation and comfort Trent’s music gave me.

Somehow I got back into that NiN sphere that day. There is something I love so much - and it’s NiN. It was like a place inside of me, deep down through all the dirt and hopelessness, there still was a sense of self for me. It was like a little glowing spark. Weak, ready to glimpse away any second. But I wanted to keep it glowing. So I went there, to that place where there was a part of me left. Small, weak, barely noticeable, but alive.

The next day I sat down on my bed and listened to The Fragile from start to end. I know this record like the back of my hand and like all of us I absolutely love it so much. It’s art.

But that day The Fragile was something else. It hit me so hard. Every single second of it. I wasn’t just listening to music. I was SEEING it with closed eyes. I was feeling it so much, at some point I wasn’t sure anymore whose feelings I was feeling - my own, the feelings of the “protagonist” I was listening to? Some songs felt so intense that I couldn’t hold back and just cried so hard, all alone on my bed, for the first time in so long. Honest, real tears. Tears of sadness, loneliness, empathy, longing for a state of mind that finally feels peaceful.

By the end of “We’re in This Together” I was already so deep inside these emotions, I don’t think I ever felt so much during a song as during the title track.

My soul felt like reaching the ceiling during “The Great Below”. And I could just quote every song of that record now, but I guess you all already know.

I am still stuck in my head with all the sounds and feelings that album gave to me after listening to it so many years later.

Feelings - finally I had feelings again. Not happiness, not peace, not hope.

But truth. Longing. Compassion. Through all the anger, sadness and depersonalisation. Through all the distance between the memory of me and the outside world and the people that live their lives like I never did and could.

I don’t know where to go from here, my life is still in pieces and my body became a battlefield - for my own anger and sadness only.

But I know now that I WANT TO go somewhere again. I don’t ever want to let that glimpse NiN kept glowing go away. I don’t ever want to lose my ability to feel something again, even if it’s just the pain of The Fragile. It is who I am. And further than that, it is a story that later became With Teeth, and that is a whole new chapter.

I just wanted to leave this here. This community has always been so thoughtful and respectful. I truly felt safe at a NiN gig front row - it was like a great family gathering, though I am scared of big crowds and people in general. With NiN fans it’s different - and sometimes just a quick look in the eye of another person wearing merch is enough to communicate:

“Yes, we are in this together. So please, take care.”

You matter. Thank you for reading. You really do matter.