Every time I hear D-DAY album, I can't help but cry. A very specific type of cry. Eyes bulged and tearful. Face wet. But no expression on face. The only thing that speaks are the tears. Mouth slightly parted. Yet you can see the pain. A pain that the person is done with. A pain that a person hides. I cry like Yoongi in this image, but with more tension in face muscles.
To me, Sea feels like "searching for water (the sea) in stretches of sand (the dessert)"
And Swim feels like "Keep swimming in the sea you found even when the tides are high"
It felt like BTS finally found their "Sea" (ARMY), but season sometimes give strong waves and high tides (ups and downs of journey) but they gotta keep swimming through them to reach the good side.
Every minor inconvenience. I don't want to go into details as it would get personal and so won't write much. But every time someone says something to me which makes me sad, every time I make a mistake publicly, get scolded by professors, get late to class and everyone sees me, anything that goes wrong. The list goes on. Whenever I feel like everyone hates me and don't want me here and would rather be happy me being dead. When I don't succeed in something and people get to know that. Yeah, most of my sadness revolves around what people think of me. I think I just want love from people, but think I don't deserve it and have no one who is willing to give me love either. I don't know what I'm saying, but at the moment I want to kill myself. And I'm too tired of being passively suicidal.
My [21F] brother [19M] and my mother [47F] have always shown dyslexic symptoms. And because they both heavily confuse between left and right, it is much more believable to others that they have dyslexia, as identifying left and right is a common phenomenon. However, my symptoms are... Not visible to the public? Like people won't know I'm taking 30 minutes to read a single page if I behave normal in real life right. Why people never think I could be dyslexic. And because I'm still in college, I can't pay on my own to get checked for dyslexia. My current internship doesn't pay much.
My left and right is beyond perfect, due to my visualisation power, despite always being weak in directions. My writing isn't visibly bad either, though if I'm writing on paper, I'd make a lot of grammar mistakes. Write know instead of no. Or exchange other phonetically similar words. When I type, like how I'm doing so right now, I type slowly and reread to make sure I'm not making any known mistakes. Moreover my phone just underlines my mistakes. I'm very weak at forming sentences though. Usually when I think of a sentence, it sounds extremely odd. Back then whenever I'd comment on Youtube, I'd make sure it sounds right. These days i don't even care to use as much brain for a comment, and it causes my sentences to sound very weird. It can't be called completely wrong, because I try my best for it to have right grammar. But the words feel to have a very weird arrangement. As a kid, because at a point of time I'd get 33%, 50% etc in English, once in 7th my teacher asked me to go home and record the average time I took to read a page. It took 10 to 14 minutes. That too without understanding most of it. A smaller page, without understanding at all, took me 5 to 6 minutes. And I thought that was fast. I was so embarrassed to tell my teacher those values, I told her 5 to 6. She thought I didn't do the activity and so was making up numbers. Right now, when I'm reading a science textbook, it takes me 20 to 30 minutes to understand and read a page. A novel's page takes me 5 to 6 minutes to understand and read. Sometimes more. As a kid, I'd submit question papers without answering, if they were too wordy and thus incomprehensible to me. When I say the words out loud, I'm not able to understand at all. I often have to read a sentence 20 times to understand it. A five word sentence maybe 4 times. I can never understand when someone reads to me. I stutter a lot when reading out loud. I can never read continuously. It's like impossible for me. I often write or miss letters. There are some words I can never spell right. I can never catch up with a person speaking. And that is such a huge problem for me, because I'm always told I'm not listening, when I just can't process so many words at once. Even if I have processed a sentence, 2 sentences later, I'll forget what that sentence meant and would again get lost in the story. Even when someone asks me a single line question, I take a few seconds to respond. Despite this very visible symptom, people never want to believe I might have dyslexia, because they don't know this symptom is a dyslexic one. And I have always been amAZING at maths. Like amazing. So no one ever suspects I could have dyslexia, because it's a misconception that dyslexic people are bad at maths as a whole, when they simply have trouble doing mental math. Which I have always had trouble doing. But because I practice so much, and practiced even more during JEE, no one noticed. Though my dad time to time keeps saying that my math is really bad because my mental math is shit. And he thinks it's because I'm lazy. I always lose my place while reading. I can never visualise immediately when I read a word. When someone says bus, I imagine the letters b u s and not a bus. I have to practically translate it into an image. I don't quickly associate words with its meanings and only hear them phonetically. When I listen to songs, I can never understand what they are saying. All I can ever remember is how the song sounds phonetically. I didn't even know this could be caused by dyslexia back then. I find it difficult to find the right word to say. I find it hard to remember otps once I read it. I can never memorise phone numbers. I don't remember my own tablets number. Though because of repetitive practice, I remember mine and my mum's. I get so confused when I'm told to do many things at once. I get so easily lost at things. I often, because of not knowing how to say it, end up sounding rude. I get so lost when I'm in groups. I find it so hard to make new friends. I have so many hobbies i hyperfixate on at times and want to do everything I like. I get so annoyed when my planned routine is disrupted and not successful. Despite having so many things to say, I'm never able to use them to continue a conversation. The reason why I prefer typing, because I can always add. I can never do only one thing at once, and always have to do multiple things at once to not get lost. Despite planning I always like doing things spontaneously. I'm never able to understand a joke fast. It takes me too long. If I'm disturbed, it takes me ages to get back where I was, because I get lost. I'm always anxious about new things. I procrastinate things which feel heavy, a lot and a lot. I'm never free. I'm always restless. And feel guilty when resting. I don't even know if these are symptoms. But I can list so many more. And so many more I don't know of.