For several years, I believe I had what would have been diagnosed as BDD. I also have, to some extent, anxiety and avoidant personality traits. I want even seeing a therapist for my diagnosed conditions. But anyway, I thought I was hideous. I would constantly take selfies and look at myself in the mirror just to figure out what was wrong with me. And never feeling like it was consistent. I thought my face was too short or that my eyebrows were extremely asymmetrical. I thought I was deformed. I was just waiting it out until I could get surgery. I would straighten my hair even though it was only minimally wavy. When I got too distressed about not liking how my hair was lengthening, I’d just cut it all off myself. I shaved off my eyebrows or made them extremely thin several times. I’d always find something wrong—skin that was too oily, one eyelid that was too high, etc and I thought they were extremely unusual and noticeable.
When I got any type of compliment on my appearance, I thought people were just being mean. I honestly don’t even know what I was comparing myself to. But anyway, I’m looking back at those pictures now and I was actually handsome. I don’t know why I was so mean to myself. For over a year, I haven’t done any of the rumination or self-criticism. I might not feel great all the time, I think this what normal feels like. I still have the anxiety and avoidant personality, so I don’t do much, but it has nothing to do with feeling hideous. I would like to find a boyfriend, but that is a challenge because I’m so avoidant and read lot of signs negatively. I get to anxious to meet other guys and I belive many think i am dismissing them.
I’m not sure how I ended the thought patterns it may have been my new job that I found extremely emotionally challenging. I am luckily no longer at that job and in a career. But I don’t think that would be too off base. I really had no time to think about anything other than how miserable I was at work. But I am happy now my job isn’t fantastic but im at stage one of a real career and gaining skills I’ll actually use. Things are looking up.