I'm a 29F and my fiancé is 32M. We've been together for 8 years and knew that we were going to get married at some point but the timing was never right. He was a Marine and we didn't want to get married young or while he was active so we waited until he got out, but the adjustment to civilian life was very hard for him. We got engaged while he was still a Marine on a friends trip that turned out to be a disaster and since then decided on eloping for our wedding because we both have people pleasing tendencies, but are also the kind of people that don't like being the center of attention. We are very private people and we don't have social media. We have agreed we both don't want a big wedding. We even downsized to just family and friends, to just family, to now deciding maybe no one at all and just have the two of us.
Our families are very small, my mother and father are divorced, and I have an estranged relationship with my father and I'm building a relationship with mother. I'm very close with my sister and she's the only family I trust. My SO parents are also divorced but have a good relationship with each other and have a great relationship with my SO, and I also have a good relationship with his side of the family. My BIL just had a baby and is trying to expand his family and most likely can't travel to the destination elopement ceremony (Ireland). Knowing even his small family can't make it and from my side of the family, it would just be my sister, we have decided for the elopement to just be ourselves and go straight into a vacation/trip because it just makes the most sense. However, I've been feeling a lot of pressure from MIL with comments such as, "You need to make a decision and plan the wedding so that the family can start planning accordingly," "After you guys get married, if you plan to have a baby just know I'm here to help," "Shit or get off the pot," "I have to be there, that's my baby." My SO is the youngest son so I get it, believe me. I just want this to be a private moment for us two, and my SO is on board. For him it doesn't make a difference if MIL is there or not.
The elopement is most likely going to be next year, and we have to decide on how to break the news to everybody that are we're getting married on "insert date", just letting you know but we don't want anyone there even though we know MIL is going to be insistent and pushy about being there. We know if we get married in secret, MIL would throw a fit. So this is more of a "I'm informing you, please respect our decision." But I mean I think it's going to be weird to have a private elopement with just MIL in the background. The quickest answer, "Oh just let her be there! What difference does it make, just compromise for him." I don't think you understand, this woman is emotionally attached and reliant on SO. She lives by herself and is on the last quarter of her life. She's been to her eldest son's wedding already so I didn't really think she'd be so insistent like this with her last son. How do we set a healthy boundary, or ultimately am I the buttface and not inviting her to our private ceremony is going to strain the relationship that I have with MIL or the relationship between SO and MIL? He even joked and said if we do this, she might go no contact with us for 10 years.