Is this depression or am I just dramatic?
I hate saying I’m depressed because I feel like the word gets overused, and I hate seeming helpless or being pitied. I usually keep everything to myself because I feel like talking about my feelings just makes me a burden to people. The only emotion I’m really comfortable showing is anger.
But lately I’ve been wondering if maybe something is actually wrong with me.
I know I could Google depression symptoms, but what’s even the difference between depression and just being really, really sad? I still function normally sometimes, I still laugh sometimes, and I don’t actually want to die. But at the same time, I think about death a lot.
I think about ways I could kill myself pretty often, and I know exactly how I would do it. I almost tried once, but my sister stopped me. The weird thing is I don’t think I’m suicidal. I don’t want to die — I just want everything to stop for a while.
I wish I could sleep for a really long time without consequences. Like a mini coma or something. Sometimes I catch myself thinking stuff like “what if I got hit by a car, but not badly enough to die?” just so I wouldn’t have to deal with life for a bit. I would never actually do it, but the thoughts are there.
Honestly I just wish I had something that would knock me out and let my brain rest for once.