I Broke Up With My Coworker and it Hurts
I (27f) ended an 8 month relationship with my coworker (24f) last Sunday. The decision was mostly due to the state of my mental health, and how I perceived it was affecting her life and my wellbeing. I came into this relationship with some baggage from a previous relationship that ended due to his infidelity, and I have struggled with a deep sense of loneliness when it comes to deeper friendships.
I ended up feeling some intense jealousy during this last relationship that I ruminated on to a point where I was in crisis. When I was alone and the thoughts were overwhelming, I would resort to throwing things, kicking things, and scratching my own body. In those times I believed that the only thing that could calm me down was weed, which helped in the moment, but ultimately just pushed feelings aside instead of really dealing with what was there.
The things that triggered these episodes ranged from things like: Her playfully-romantic interactions with a close friend. Her excitement at seeing an old crush (a different coworker lmfao). And my perception of being left out of social situations. I am confused as to how much of my reaction was a legitimate concern or if I was reading into something that said more about my insecurities than her actions (I kind of think the truth lies in the middle.)
I made the decision to end the relationship on a weekend where I was mostly high, waking a baking and writing about why I wanted to end the relationship, or googling endlessly about breakups and why people chose to do it. Doubts about the relationship lasting ate at me for a few months, but I told myself I would make a real decision after being sober for a few weeks. I was never able to manage that, reacting to a night where I felt insecure about our connection and pulling the plug. I have quit weed for the last four days (a milestone for me) and want to continue to be present and process my decision.
In my personal life I have joined a new friend group and have made plans to hang out with old ones. I started therapy last week and I like this therapist enough to do another session. I connected with my mom when she noticed some scratches on my arm, and she asked if I did that to myself in a very kind way. I'm considering talking to a psychiatrist about bipolar disorder (which runs in my family) and trying meds. I went to the gym alone today (usually go with a group but there are times where they can't go) and I didn't feel as much despair as I have in the past about being out and about alone (I have fears about this not lasting).
Since the breakup, we have had some interactions and discussed staying friends. We wrote each other letters that reflected on our actions during the relationship, and have begun to establish boundaries for how we want to interact moving forward. Today we ate lunch together. It was kind of lovely and I cried in the bathroom after (tbh a lot of people cry at my job and I'm still getting my work done). We work in different departments, so our interactions are limited to breaks or when she briefly has to run an errand in my work area. But I find myself yearning to see her, or today I was sad that I had missed seeing her again before she left. I really miss her.
I am going through the point in a breakup where I am mourning the future I lost with her and I am experiencing a lot of regret over how fast I made the decision to end the relationship. I am very confused. I don't think my feelings for her are gone, and I'm starting to daydream about missed future dates, and a part of me is longing for intimacy with her (which had dwindled a lot in the last month of our relationship). Neither of us have updated our fb relationship status to single and I feel like I'm clinging onto something I threw away.
When talking to some cool sweet coworkers of mine- they both iterated that they believe we will figure out how we fit in each other's lives down the road, whether it be friends or as something more (both of these coworkers talked about that as a potential future). I think what scares me is that I don't know what my future holds. I'm in a period of immense change I believe, and I want to change for myself and not for another person, even if I love them. I think the anxiety and jealousy I have experienced will not go away with another breakup-get-back-together-immediately situation (fun fact this is the second time we have broken up lol and I was the one who initiated it the first time after being anxious about her old work crush. I'm seeing this pattern in myself with previous relationships too). I am scared about ruining a potential friendship (which I think is possible with her I just don't know exactly what it looks like yet).
I'm wondering if people in this forum are friends with their exes and how they navigated their boundaries and emotions? How do you handle the longing for the familiar? Has anyone else been in a wlw relationship with a coworker?
Ive known lesbians who remain close friends after dating, and I really admire them.