What should I do? I don’t want to breakup with him, but I will.
My boyfriend (24M) and I (22F) have been together almost 4 years and I feel like we keep having the same conversation over and over again. (Before we started dating we were good friends for 2 years.)
I honestly don’t feel prioritized or pursued in my relationship. He doesn’t really initiate phone calls, coming over, or plan intentional dates. Most of the time if we’re seeing each other it’s because I brought it up first. I’ve told him so many times that I need those things to feel wanted in a relationship and at one point I even asked him if he felt like I just didn’t deserve those things because I really couldn’t understand why we were still having the same conversation.
In. conversations we’ve had about this before , he says he “doesn’t know what to do” for dates or doesn’t have ideas, so I literally made a whole list of date ideas for us because I got tired of hearing that excuse. And even when he does “plan” something it’s still usually “what do you wanna do?” or him giving me options and making me choose instead of just taking initiative and deciding himself.
I remember our 1st argument was literally about this same thing. I told him I hated always being in the house and wanted him to actually plan dates and make me feel wanted instead of me always having to ask to spend time together. We both cried, literally the 1st time I had ever seen him cry, and he promised me he’d do better, and for a little bit he actually did do better.
But since then we’ve had that same conversation so many times. We had the same conversation a couple weeks ago because he told me he was gonna take me out Friday for food and drinks. He didn’t get to my house until like 9pm and when he got here he still didn’t even know where we were going. He sat here trying to figure out restaurants after already getting to me late. I fee I was rightfully irritated and had a little bit of an attitude at first but eventually I got over it and we still had a good night.
The next day I told him I need him to be more intentional with our dates because to me it’s not really about the restaurant or him not knowing where to go. I just want my boyfriend to actually think things through and put effort into seeing me instead of feeling so last minute.
After that conversation he said he’d start initiating more, so I stopped taking the lead as much because I wanted to see if he actually would. Lol we barely saw each other for almost 2 weeks. Eventually on Wednesday night we made plans for the next day after I got off, which got changed because he was busy and wasn’t gonna get to me until after 10, so instead he picked food up for us and some drinks. This was okay, I appreciated it and we had a good time but honestly all we did is eat, talk a little bit and go to sleep. So I’m thinking because I just had that conversation with him not even 2 weeks before, he would initiate a “makeup” date.
Which leads us to today. I asked him to do something after he got off, again he asked me what I wanted to do but also said he had plans with his friends so that’s where he would be ending the night. And I guess in my head I thought since we didn’t get to go out, his next thought would be trying to plan something else with me. Instead he made plans with his friends. I called and told him again that this is bigger than one date or one week. It’s the fact that after almost 4 years he still doesn’t naturally think to plan dates, call me first, or make time for me without me pushing for it.
I also told him it hurts that every time I bring this up he says he’ll do better but nothing actually changes long term. He kept saying he understood and agreed with basically everything I said. I asked him WHY he doesn’t do these things even though he knows how important they are to me and his answer was literally “I don’t know.”
He told me he would do better again. I told him not to say that if you didnt actually mean it and that I genuinely can’t keep having this conversation with him. He told me he knows and will actually do better.
I really don’t think he’s trying to hurt me, he’s not even that type of person, it’s not in his character to do that. I know he loves me, I just honestly don’t know if love is enough.
What should I do? I don’t want to breakup I do really love him and the relationship we have, but I will.