Trauma and dpdr
Hello everyone. First of all, I m glad that I found this reddit. I also want to share my experience. Sorry for my english, It’s not my first language.
So basically I ve been living in a lie since i was 12 y.o. I have a serious trauma which i will not enter into the details but the point is i ve been lying all along to myself and behave like i was a God during all the years of the traumatic event. This of course made me feel good and put the reality in a box, but also had a lot of consequences. At about the age of 20, i ve severly abused weed, i smoke really a lot for about few years, it made me actually feel more like myself and understand things better. I understood that that sense of grandiose was to cover my vulnerability and all that. What happend is that from there i basically repressed all the adolescence part and now i m living only based on what is actually the right way of being. But i feel that one part of me is still living in my body, and i m no longer in touch with it, only if I’m smoking again, which i no longer wanna do. It feels like in my head I am a person, and in my body i am another. I just can t integrate. Everything feels like a movie, like i m being out of the planet, i see people living like normal and i can t really connect anymore. I also lost my empathy, i can t say i hate people but also don t really want to connect like i used to when i was younger. I felt really a young free guy who wanted to just live regards of the illusions i ve made in order to survive. Growing up, I want to break down the illusions and live normally and this is what i got into. A dissociative state, alone, being just an observer of my life passing by..
Anyone else has experiencing dpdr for the same reason or something similar to this? Does any medication help? I am also doing therapy but i feel like nothing has changed and it s been about 4 months now, I m doing ifs and I can actually psycho analise me very well but I still don t know who the fuck am I really and it s been really frustrating. Like the only way to feel in my body is to be that adolescence again, which is a maladaptive mechanism against trauma.