u/Low-Year-1173

What used to make me scream in anger now makes me laugh and just kinda feel bad for you. I want to help and care about you. But the real you. The one your terrified to show the world and you hate me because I can see it clear as day and I show it to you. You cant from yourself around me and you cant stand it. But if you could get through that discomfort of being vulnerable which you've done sometimes but not for long before you quickly deny it the next day to get your control back. Because when you love me you lose control. That's why you never trip hard because you cling to control so hard you never relax amd let it take you. That's why its hard for you to get off and its why you couldn't relax to hug me tonight. But somehow I can get you to let go for short little bits of time and thats when the magic happens. That's when its amazing and wonderful and all the things you say you live about us. But then you start to see that your losing control. You realize that true intimacy means admitting when you mess up and activily working to correct it amd you feel the control and "freedom" being taken and then you flip 180 and like cartman you "do what I want" but its not what you want, its hollow and empty and never comes close to what you have with me so you always come back. And you're so fucking terrified of losing me you do the one fucking thing that pushes me away. Deny and deflect and project and take all the hatred you have for yourself amd how you've tucked up and tou throw it right back at me. Every time you say ive done something its something you've done. And you know it you've said it to me and even Brian told me "im starting to see that all the shit she told me that you did is what shes been doing" ya I fucking know dude. I fucking know 😒 you just cant be brave enough to have the one thing in the world you want the most. And now ill be able to have another relationship. Because no one will compare to you at you're best, and im terrified that they'll be like you at your worst. Im the one who'll never be with anyone else. You need constant approval and affection and love because you dont have any love for yourself. So you sacked up my love and spit the hate you have for yourself back at me. You say you're afraid of me. Who almost punched whom amd stormed away yelling tonight and who sat calmly and simply spoke his mind and tried to drop it and move on the entire time and tried to hug you to make up. And then you accuse me of smoking Crack when you've been sitting talking to me for a few hours and know dam well im not doing. Im not trying to catch you or get you in trouble. It isnt a setup. Its just an honest man needs his partner to be honest. If you can be then ill be waiting. Remember how good it feels when you let you go and you realize that ill catch you?? You can have that. If you're brave enough. Don't let your fear rule your life. Step through the to the other side of fear into love with me. How good did that hug feel this afternoon. You can have that everyday but at the cost of letting just one person see you completely and fully. Its so funny that you're scared of that because i do see you. You try so hard to hide but its like hiding behind a spiders web amd saying now you cant see me. Ya I can you're right there. I dont need closure to be happy alone. I need honesty in order to be happy with you. You cant have me in the way you need without that. That's the cost of admition. In order to have a relationship you MUST tell them the truth. The ugly truth no one else knows. You show me yours ill show you mine. But you hide it and then expect to get benefits without paying the price. You cant eat your cake and then have it too. The ball is your court. Ill be your friend and help you either way but if you want me in the way I know God dam well you desperately do then thats what you have to do. Or keep drinking away the pain of knowing YOU are the one responsible for killing us and you couldn't be brave enough to go through a few moments of discomfort to be honest and really be a good partner. That's what I meant by you never acted like a wife. A wife doesnt lie to her husband. She doesnt cheat and steal and blame her faults on him. That's not a wife. Thats a wh*** and I hear you can never turn those into housewifes. And that breaks my heart. And ive said that sentence over and over to myself for more than a decade and then like a fool I tried to prove them all wrong and do it to you. And I still love you. I always will. I love the you were brave enough to show me for short periods of time. Think about when have I reacted negatively to you being honest? In the rare moments you were didnt i always hold you and say its ok I understand I love you. Why do think anything else will happen. The only reason I was ever mean is because you didnt do that when I desperately needed that. All relationships do. Honesty just means that what you say matches reality. And thats how we navigate the world but when the navigator gives false data the pilot doesnt know where he is or how to fly and the whole dam plane crashes and burns. Just tell me the truth so I know how to fly us fuck away from this hell hole and to the life we always dreamed of. Or dont. I cant make you. Its up to you. I won't beg you or lower myself to accept you at any less than your best. If you're gonna be a bear you gotta be a grizzly. Up to you. Take my hand. Its OK. What do you have to lose at this point