u/Local_Childhood_508

I (late 30s F) have a long, complicated history with a man named Marcus (mid 40s M).

I met Marcus when I was living in a group home as a young adult. He was one of the case managers there. Later, when I moved into a transitional housing program, he was still in that role and helped me a lot—rides to interviews, job support, clothes, and just being someone I could call when I needed help.

After I left the program and got my own place around age 20, I invited him over one day. I asked him to bring alcohol, and we ended up hooking up. That turned into an on-and-off sexual relationship that has lasted over 15 years.

At one point, I told him I wanted something serious. He said I was immature and not ready. Eventually, he got married—but we still continued hooking up during his marriage. I was also in a relationship at one point, but I only saw him after mine ended. He never stopped being married.

Years ago, he told me that when his child turned six, he would leave his wife—but that he needed time to figure out if he’d be leaving for me or because he was unhappy. His child is now older than six, and… he’s still married.

I cut him off for about a year. Recently, we reconnected, and now he says he wants me to be his girlfriend and that we’re “dating exclusively.” I told him no—I’m not doing anything official unless he gets a divorce.

Here’s where it gets more complicated: we’ve been acting like we’re in a relationship anyway. Spending a lot of time together, doing “relationship” things, being emotionally and physically involved. He has his own place now—but he’s had his own place before and kept it a secret from his wife.

He talks about a future with me, even marriage, which honestly makes me uncomfortable because… he’s still married. And if he does go through with a divorce, I’m worried I might feel guilty or realize I’m not 100% all in after everything that’s happened.

Also, I’m still dating other people on the side because I don’t fully trust him and I feel like he’s been trying to have his cake and eat it too for years. That doesn’t feel fair to me.

Now he says he’ll look into getting a divorce, but he’s also saying it’s expensive and complicated. From what I’ve seen, there are low-cost/free options depending on income, which applies to him right now. I just don’t know if he’s actually going to follow through.

At this point, I feel like I’ve been strung along for years. Now that I’m more stable and settled, suddenly he’s ready—but still not actually taking real steps.

Am I wrong for putting my foot down and saying no relationship until he’s fully divorced? Or am I wasting my time even entertaining this at all?

I (late 30s F) have a long, complicated history with a man named Marcus (mid 40s M).

I met Marcus when I was living in a group home as a young adult. He was one of the case managers there. Later, when I moved into a transitional housing program, he was still in that role and helped me a lot—rides to interviews, job support, clothes, and just being someone I could call when I needed help.

After I left the program and got my own place around age 20, I invited him over one day. I asked him to bring alcohol, and we ended up hooking up. That turned into an on-and-off sexual relationship that has lasted over 15 years.

At one point, I told him I wanted something serious. He said I was immature and not ready. Eventually, he got married—but we still continued hooking up during his marriage. I was also in a relationship at one point, but I only saw him after mine ended. He never stopped being married.

Years ago, he told me that when his child turned six, he would leave his wife—but that he needed time to figure out if he’d be leaving for me or because he was unhappy. His child is now older than six, and… he’s still married.

I cut him off for about a year. Recently, we reconnected, and now he says he wants me to be his girlfriend and that we’re “dating exclusively.” I told him no; I’m not doing anything official unless he gets a divorce.

Here’s where it gets more complicated: we’ve been acting like we’re in a relationship anyway. Spending a lot of time together, doing “relationship” things, being emotionally and physically involved. He has his own place now, but he’s had his own place before and kept it a secret from his wife.

He talks about a future with me, even marriage, which honestly makes me uncomfortable because… he’s still married. And if he does go through with a divorce, I’m worried I might feel guilty or realize I’m not 100% all in after everything that’s happened.

Also, I’m still dating other people on the side because I don’t fully trust him and I feel like he’s been trying to have his cake and eat it too for years. That doesn’t feel fair to me.

Now he says he’ll look into getting a divorce, but he’s also saying it’s expensive and complicated. From what I’ve seen, there are low-cost/free options depending on income, which applies to him right now. I just don’t know if he’s actually going to follow through.

At this point, I feel like I’ve been strung along for years. Now that I’m more stable and settled, suddenly he’s ready, but still not actually taking real steps.

Am I wrong for putting my foot down and saying no relationship until he’s fully divorced? Or am I wasting my time even entertaining this at all?