I feel like I can't enjoy anything
I've struggled with a restrictive eating disorder since I was 14, I'm 21. I like to think I'm recovered for the most part, I don't really restrict anymore, but I still have a serious issue with my body image.
I've gained weight since I'm no longer restricting, I used to be very underweight, and now I'm overweight. For a few years, I didn't really care, but it's starting to affect me again.
I can't do anything without thinking about my weight. Driving, running, even just laying in bed and watching something I enjoy. all I can think about is how much I weigh and how I don't deserve to be happy and to enjoy anything because of how big I am.
This is not something I struggled with previously, when this first started it was a competition to me with a friend who also starved herself, and eventually I just enjoyed the feeling of hunger. I didn't realize how sickly I was until years later. I still do crave to feel sick and starved, but I ignore it for the most part.
I just don't know how to exist anymore, how can I function when I feel so undeserving of joy because of my weight. There isn't even a logical conclusion between the two, I just feel so lost.
(I have a therapy appointment scheduled for next week, first one since I was a teen, and I'm hoping the therapist can help me through this.)