I can’t tell if I still love her or im just lonely?
I’m 25 now. My love story started when I was 21, in the final year of college.
She was one of the most beautiful girls in college. A lot of guys used to chase her, but I was different. I was just enjoying my life fully. I had a motorcycle, travelled a lot, posted my rides on Instagram, and I think that made me stand out from the crowd in college. Somehow she noticed me, got impressed, and approached me. She asked me to take her on a ride, and that’s how everything started.
From there, we travelled to a lot of places on my bike. She was a brave girl too. She would come wherever I called her. Those days felt like a dream. I truly thought I was living the life I wanted.
But after around 1.5 years, everything changed.
I wasn’t focused on my job and I lost it. Then my mother passed away. That completely changed me and my life. From that point, everything became heavy. I don’t have both parents, I have a younger sister, and suddenly I was dealing with family pressure, financial problems, relatives’ issues, career problems, and responsibilities I wasn’t ready for.
At the same time, her life seemed to be going well. She had career growth, love, family support — everything. I was the opposite. Instead of facing my problems properly, I escaped into the relationship. I started depending on her too much. I became insecure, controlling, and disturbing. I forced her in ways I should not have. I know I made mistakes, and I hate that version of myself.
Eventually, she started hating me. One day, she left and went to Canada for studies.
The first 9 months after the breakup were hell. I was depressed, overeating, picking up bad habits, and completely lost. After that, I moved to Bangalore to search for jobs, but I didn’t find one. Instead, I wasted a lot of my mother’s insurance money and got deeper into bad habits and poor decisions.
Then after about 6 months in Bangalore, she came back into my life. She texted me and said she wanted to see me. Later, when she came to India for vacation, she spent around 3 months with me in Bangalore. Honestly, that was one of the happiest times of my life. For a moment, it felt like everything was back.
But after she returned to Canada, she started acting strange again. She brought up all the mistakes I had made in the past and kept making me feel insecure. Deep down, I felt like she was preparing to leave me again, but this time she wanted me to say it first. Out of frustration, I finally said it, and it was exactly what she was waiting for. She blocked me everywhere.
After that, I had no choice but to start fighting for my life properly because at that time I had around 35 lakhs of debt.
Eventually, I got a job in the UAE in the oil and gas field as a site engineer in the desert. I’m earning decent money now, but I’m struggling a lot physically and mentally. The work is exhausting. The environment is hard. And more than anything, I feel deeply lonely.
I’ve tried to reach out to her many times, but she keeps ignoring me. And now I feel stuck in this strange place mentally where everything reminds me of her. I can’t even listen to music, watch movies, or enjoy simple things without thinking about her.
What confuses me the most is this:
Do I still truly love her that deeply?
Or am I just lonely, exhausted, and desperately wanting emotional support from the person who once felt like home?
I’m honestly very tired now, physically and mentally. I don’t even know whether I’m grieving her, grieving my old life, or just grieving the person I used to be before everything fell apart.
I just wanted to let this out.