Trans kid- just needed to talk
As the title says im a trans mtf kid (16) -fuck off creeps- im having a terrible time with body dysmorphia. I was openly trans in middle school had a really rough time got really depressed and anxious. Had a therapist for a while and got diagnosed with depression and anxiety and after about a year of being openly trans i got raped 3 times. Not like he touched me i got raped 3 times. After that i never stopped feeling disgusting and still havent. My therapist also broke confendialtality quite a few times so i just pretended i was better until i didnt have to see him. Fast forward about 3 years of never feeling right and out of place i meet ace. My current best friend and probably my favorite person on earth honestly. Hes also trans and figured me out pretty quick without me even telling him anything. Sorry this is getting really long. The past couple months he has honestly helped a ton.
A couple of the problems
I forced myself to be really (masculine) after middle school because i wanted to get as far away as possible from everything and in that process lost myself pretty badly i have no idea who i am i have no idea what clothes i like or even what music i like i just cant find anything thats really me i dont even know what my favorite food is.
I want to stay muscular but i dont know if thats a result of what ive just said or if i genuinely do im trying to grow my hair out but its going pretty shit.
I also feel like such a freak all the time like a hare in rabbits ya know i feel bad every time i hang out with my girl-friends because i still look really masculine and i have zero control over my voice still. But they all use she/her wich i love and get overjoyed every time i hear it but i cant help but feel bad about it because i know im nowhere near passing. I mean 6 foot 160 and around 10% bodyfat isnt exactly a womans body
A mix of everything has lead me down a pretty deep hole of drugs the past few years and i honestly dont have anyone to talk to about it i live with my dad but we barely know echother and i dont even want to get started on my mom shes a horrible person and i genuinely resent her.
Both of my parents refuse to get me a therapist to talk about anything and the only person ive been able to see is my school counselor but that only goes so far. Ive managed to keep my grades up 90’s and 80’s but im floating through life i dont know anything about myself except that i dont like it and i want to be a girl.
Im honestly so lost
I just wanted to talk like the title says so there it is i dont need any help really just some support maybe a you got this you know what i mean.
Sincerely,
A kid tryna get through life.