Husband had emotional affair with my cousin when I was unwell
TL;DR: My (42F) husband (42M) had an emotional affair with my cousin (37F) for 18 months when I was mentally unwell and recovering from alcohol addiction. I’m now sober and well, but I feel betrayed, can’t trust either of them, and don’t know how to move forward.
My husband and I have been together 9 years and have two young kids. We moved to his hometown 6 years ago where all his family lives. I haven’t made any super close friendships locally (it’s a small cliquey town).
My family is dysfunctional but I have always been very close with my cousin. She was my best friend. I shared literally everything with her. She lives a 7 hour drive away but we would still see each other a few times a year, and call or text most days. She has a partner (20 years together) and has no children by choice. She would treat my children with so much love - as if they were her own.
In late 2023, I rapidly developed a severe dependence on alcohol. I didn’t see it coming. Previously I drank a few times a year if there was a celebration and in a space of a couple of months I was alone, binge drinking myself to sleep every night. I felt like gollum hiding out in the darkness of our spare bedroom pretending to study. It was revolting. I was not me. I went from vibrant, chatty joker to this secretive and deceitful monster who lied a lot to my husband to hide my shameful secret (and I was stupid to think I was doing a good job of it).
Almost every night when the kids went to bed I’d isolate and drink heavily for 2 hours until I passed out. I’m not saying this to make it sound like my drinking was ok, but want to be clear I wasn’t drink driving or going to work intoxicated.
From the outside I seemed to be “functioning” well day-to-day (I was working full time, didn’t take sick days, I was making good money, people commented on my success and I was getting high distinctions at university). Internally I was imploding. I felt like awful, I gained a lot of weight and I was very depressed.
I was under intense pressure after leaving a very comfy and stable job to start my own business while also studying my Masters. I was also parenting a 2yo and 5yo. And then some past trauma started resurfacing for reasons I couldn’t figure out (I guess I was just stressed and vulnerable so it crept back in), which was followed by a distressing decision that I had to make when I found out that I was pregnant with twins.
To be clear - I’m not offering this information as some kind of ‘poor me’ excuse. I absolutely own all of my choices and behaviours. It is more giving context to the accumulation of factors that contributed to my lack of capacity to cope.
Eventually, my husband, who is known to be very patient, gentle, introverted and non-confrontational, broke down watching me destroy myself and gave me a pretty hard reality check when he told me in no uncertain terms, that if I didn’t sort myself out I would need to leave. I had avoided getting help because we live in a small town, I work in healthcare and I know a lot of people - the stigma and shame were HUGE. I also thought if I wanted to stop, I wasn’t like others and I could just do it- words of an addict - I know. But, I swallowed my pride and in early 2024 I got professional help. After a messy year with lots of ups and downs and some relapses, I won the battle. I’ve now been sober for a year.
During this dark time in 2024, my cousin started visiting us more frequently and staying for longer periods. She knew what was going on for me and I was grateful for her presence and support. She became very involved in our lives and then became close with my husband.
They shared similar interests (that I didn’t) and would do activities together without me, which to be fair was my choice (metal-core concerts, horror movies, escape rooms). They stayed up late together every night watching TV long after I would go to bed. I noticed that they always sat next to each other on our big 8-seater couch, sometimes sharing blankets, and weirdly she started always offering hand massages to everyone each evening and he was always very keen for that (he doesn’t usually like being touched in that way). They were sending messages privately - I would see them pop up and was curious what she wanted as I hadn’t received anything - he always told me they were just sharing Wordle scores. And during all of this I let it go - because I was an alcoholic.
Of course I felt increasingly uncomfortable and even cried sometimes, feeling sidelined and like a third wheel. I noticed he would really enjoy chatting with her (often about things I couldn’t contribute to). I observed her receiving attention, which I craved, and what I was getting was a lot of silent treatment and resentment. When I shared my insecurities he told me I was ridiculous. I told myself that as the recovering alcoholic, I was “the problem” and that I shouldn’t dare start any more problems.
Once sober and thinking clearly, I started to remember and also notice a lot of things. I started to observe things between them very closely and I couldn’t shake the feeling something wasn’t right but I had no hard evidence. Then in February, I noticed she was getting REALLY pushy about coming to stay with us over a long weekend in March, despite me saying that weekend didn’t suit because I had to work. She said it didn’t matter that I was working and that she still wanted to visit. The ick was strong. I couldn’t handle the discomfort I was feeling and eventually I snooped through his phone. I have never done this before. I found nearly two years of messages between them. Nothing sexual, but it was emotionally intimate:
- Daily messaging usually initiated by her
- Lots of “I miss you,” “thinking of you”
- “It’s getting harder to say goodbye”
- Constant heart emojis from both of them with every message
- Multiple “I love you” messages from him
- “You’re incredible” “you’re amazing” from him
- Ongoing conversations about me
She didn’t reciprocate the I love you and you’re incredible/amazing messages but would reply with things like “awwww thanks.” She definitely wasn’t shutting it down.
I stayed composed and calmly told him what I had found and also what I had observed over the past 18 months. He was stunned and seemed panicked. He was adamant that it was not “like that” and it was never physical/sexual. He said that he saw her as a “best friend/little sister.” He explained that he had felt alone and scared when I wasn’t well and needed someone to talk to. He has apologised and said he didn’t realise it wasn’t appropriate and that he’s committed to our relationship. He agreed to stop contact.
I then spoke with her. She says she is horrified I would think it was sinister and anything more than friendship. She said that she would never do that to me and she was just supporting him while I was struggling because she was worried about us. She mentioned that she felt that I was not fit to parent (her assessment) and so she had to step up and had to make sure he was ok to keep going on.
I reject all of this as BS because:
- She was telling him things about me and not coming to me directly - she never spoke to me about my mental health or drinking unless I raised it
- She never mentioned any of this contact that she had with him to me at any point
- She would tell me frequently how he was so difficult to talk to and she worried he didn’t like her or was annoyed with her staying with us
- I would regularly confide in her that I was worried he didn’t love me and that he would leave me. I told her how he didn’t tell me he loves me (meanwhile was telling her he loves her) and there was no intimacy - she just reassured me that everything was ok
There’s so much more to add to this story, but I can’t keep rambling forever. The bottom line for me is this - if they couldn’t do or say things in-front of me or in the group chat we have - then it’s probably a good indication that it wasn’t appropriate and they knew it.
I’ve cut her off completely. It’s not that I’m more angry with her than him, or that I’m trying to punish her for something they both did. The reality is though, I live with him and our two young children - I had to make some hard decisions.
Since then, the universe has continued to test me and life has piled on. He lost his job, my dad found out he has cancer, and I’m now the sole provider while still parenting, running a business and studying. I feel like I have had to put my unresolved anger and grief on the shelf because there are other things to focus on.
But deep down, I am raging hard. I think about all of this every day, but I say nothing. I feel completely lost and so alone. There’s so much shame and I feel like I can’t share this with friends and family. And I blame myself - I feel like I caused this and I deserved what has happened.
I’m grieving the loss of my relationship with my cousin and I am questioning my marriage. I am a very good actress when the kids are around but I find myself very shut down when alone with him. I really don’t want to talk to him unless I have to, I don’t want him to be near me or to touch me, I can’t sleep next to him, and I just can’t help but feel yuck. I feel trapped.
Questions I keep asking myself:
- Was this an emotional affair, or am I overreacting?
- Is there any scenario where I should let my cousin back into my life?
- He stood by me for so long and forgave me, do I owe him the same in return?
PS. I’m still sober and I’m so proud of that.
Also - we cannot afford individual or relationship counselling currently with me being the sole provider and the rising cost of living - I accept and understand that this is going to be an important thing to prioritise when we are able to.