u/LichenTea

I might already know the answer to this already, but I'm asking just in case:

I'm currently somatically processing my C-PTSD and it can cause me to have an excessive amount of thoughts, some of them being frightening and intrusive. When I started non-facilitated IPF around the same time, I hadn't unearthed as much relational material yet and had quite an easy time imagining at least one figure and had a couple of deeply impactful sessions that were very regulating. At present, however, I've noticed that some of the time I will start imagining (not on purpose) things like morphing faces or scary touch. This happens with metta practice as well. Usually when this happens I will "rewind" and reimagine something different, but I obviously worry that imagining bad things happening with the ideal parents one too many times is going to poison the well of the technique.

I understand that working with a facilitator would help me navigate these occurrences better, however, would it be better to let the somatic processing run its course before attempting even facilitated IPF, just so I don't have to deal with constantly fixing the visualizations? (And possibly, as a bonus, I wouldn't have to do as many sessions once the underlying trauma is addressed?)

Many thanks!

I’m having a specific fear that’s coming up again and again that I’m not sure how to deal with, which is the terror of not knowing who or what I am and the terror of becoming something I don’t want to be - for example, I have always identified as a certain gender and sexuality, and intrusive thoughts about not being those things are terrifying me.

Through a psychedelic retreat before trauma release I believe I finally developed a “self” and the sense that I have one and exist - this feels different.

Logically I can tell where this fear comes from - never being mirrored correctly or lovingly by my caregivers intertwined with a rejection of what I showed them, along with a rejection of what I (intrusively) think I might be.

Has anyone else had this fear come up, and how did it resolve? Did you realize a different identity than what you thought you were and accept it willingly, or did you have to process that more in a cognitive way? Or did you not change much at all?

Looking for a reality/sanity check here. I've started having an obvious new "symptom" of occasionally seeing flashes and spots in my vision, mostly on the right side of my visual field (that I can tell). I also seem to be "getting back" a kind of vision I had as a kid, which is seeing blue/red on the edges of certain objects like white overhead lights, or a sense that I could see more colors than "is actually there", sort of like the brain has trouble smoothing out a color. I do have pretty bad eyesight, though, so I wouldn't be surprised if that part is just my tired brain freaking out at an artifact from my glasses. Has anyone else had this experience and did it resolve, or stay the same?

I’ve been in therapy off and on for over 20 years and have yet to find a good therapist - with the exception of one who I left only after a few sessions that may have been promising in my 20s (yes, I know how that sounds).

My current therapist has been… okay. They have been helpful in times when I actually talk about deep, urgent stuff, but in the day to day I feel a huge disconnect and misattunement. For example, when they self-disclose or give advice, it doesn't feel like it’s geared towards me at all or that they really “see” me. I self-diagnosed with CPTSD and they don’t disagree, but this pattern of being missed by therapists (including this one) is an ironic repetition of the experience I had growing up. And like many of my relationships, I’ve given them a little too much time to make things work when there’s a fundamental mismatch but haven’t felt empowered to leave because I don’t think I can do better.

I’m already working somatically on the trauma so I don’t need an EMDR/SE type of therapist. I think mostly I am looking for someone who knows when to dig and when not to dig, and also who understands what is going on with emotional flashbacks and can give reality checks and support around that. I’ve heard that psychodynamic is a good modality for CPTSD - is there anything else I should look for or try? I don’t particularly relate to the IFS style but I could be convinced otherwise. And I understand that it’s really the relationship and not the modality that’s important, but I have to start somewhere.

Many thanks in advance!