Throwaway account from my main for obv reasons.
I can say to myself that I'm a well adjusted 31yo adult. But now I'm not sure.
I met this guy during a few years ago on Bumble. Sufficed to say he caught my heart - he's charming on the text, he was there when I was at my lowest, he's always kind and always listen to my woes. Nobody ever in my life left such a big mark in my heart. We met a few times (we both are closet weebs) and from what I know and see he's such a green flag. Tbh he's not even that good looking or tall or anything, but I liked him back then. It never went anywhere tho cos religion issues - he's chindo totok and I'm a muslim with strict parents. He's mature enough to also kept his distance since he knew it's something I also will never compromise. It broke my heart a bit as to why God gave me a chance to meet such a good guy but destined to never marry. But I moved on and never talked to him again - we just blocked each other. Or so I thought.
Early this year I finally got my new job and it's as if destiny is mocking me: I met him again, as my coworker/senior. To say that it got very awkward is an understatement, and a part of me wants to just leave the job to get away from him. But I really needed the job after almost a year spent jobless, so I try to be as professional as possible.
He's as kind and professional, and most of all, considerate as ever. He taught me what I need to know, and be as professional while keeping his distance as much as possible from me. I never felt so motivated in my life - simply because I'm working with him. And my heart was so conflicted. I realised I'm still in love with him. And soon that love also turned to lust - I started to masturbate with his pictures, I had all kind of imaginations with him sometimes during lunch break or sholjum. I'm obssesed with him, something I didn't know even possible. I never even chatted him outside of work. I dont want to make a move and change things, and I'm scared he might even have a family already.
This satnight after the extra hours, I went drinking with my girlmates and got drunk. One of them told me that he is still single, and that she is going to drop a work laptop at his apartment tommorow morning. I don't know what got into me - I offered to take the laptop to his place saying that it's close to my kost (it's not) and immediately went to his place that very night. I can tell he is very confused when he opened the door. I did something unimaginable - I seduced him. It was the best night of my life.
He took me for lunch the next day and then drove me home to my kost. He said he was sorry that he was weak and didn't be the adult and pushed me away when I did what I did. I got angry that he's still trying to push me away but touched that he's still considerate. Inside my room alone I got anxious and flustered and all the memories since last night just flooded in as I realised what I just really had done.
This morning I cant concentrate much on work. I feel anxious, horny, and frustrated all at once. I don't even know how I will react when I see him. He didn't come to the office today. And I'm scared to know why. But now I had this thoughts in my head:
I want to be friends with benefits with him. I feel alive when I was with him, especially when we are intimate and connected like that night. I don't even care if we never get married. Who wants to marry a slutty, ugly, fat, black and crazy girl like me anyway. At least I'll be happy and I want this to be forever. But I know it isn't gonna be forever. He warned me himself, and part of me already know it but I felt better denying it. I got thinking that maybe God made me connect with him again meant something, or maybe my heart cant take the dopamine and now I'm just crazy. Everything feels wrong but it feels so right. I don't know who else to talk about this, I'm too embarassed.
What should I do puans?