u/Leather_Aardvark351
▲ 102 r/GirlDinnerDiaries
My college friends are the closest I've ever had. My ex is still in the group (and he joined because we were dating). We dated in college, he refused to put effort into our LDR, then opened the relationship without my consent. My friends took my side on the breakup but kept him around. I stayed cordial because of proximity.
Years later, talking with my partner now helped me realize that things my ex did were >!rape and stealthing!<. I distanced from the group for almost a year out of fear they wouldn't believe me.
I flew across the country to see them at a gathering I knew he wouldn't attend, he decided to join last minute. I had a panic attack, had to tell my parents what happened, and broke down telling my friends everything. They believed me and told him to stay home.
But months after the gathering, nothing's changed. He's still in the group chats and getting invited to things. One of my closest friends in the group, a week after I called him crying, offered to get my ex dinner. Casually, like the conversation we had never happened. Everyone else has done some version of the same thing in their own way, not maliciously, but in a conflict-avoidant, I need to focus on my own life kind of way.
Maybe they're easing off on cutting him off and that's their way of doing so, but that's already being generous. I know that they believe me, but is it so bad I wanted more than that when there were light implications of action after I told them?
My boyfriend, family, and outside friends are all saying to drop them. Some of them have suggested having a conversation about how hurtful what they're doing has been, but I don't know what that conversation would even accomplish. Why should I exert energy into explaining myself when I already spent the last year away from them and let my ex get away free of consequences? I'm grieving these friendships and I haven't even decided what to do yet. 🥀
Half a Pandan waffle. It was stale. Added whipped cream, and the whipped cream was melted. Can't have shit. Advice appreciated but I can only put one flair.
u/Leather_Aardvark351 — 9 days ago
▲ 42 r/TrueOffMyChest
My friends from college are the closest friends I’ve ever had. My ex and I started dating while I was in college, and we broke up after he refused to put in effort into LDR and opened our relationship without me wanting him to. My friends took my side, but they didn’t stop hanging out with him and he remained in the group chats and invites. I stayed cordial and friendly because of proximity.
I’ve been dating someone else for years now, out of college and not associated with my college friend group. We talked about some previous sexual experiences and I noted some acts with my ex that made me feel squeamish, and when we dissected them he pointed out that those things were rape and stealthing. I stopped talking to my friends for almost a year because I was worried they wouldn’t believe me (my ex denied ever opening the relationship and I was scared he’d deny this too) and avoided seeing them in fear that my ex would be there too.
When I finally managed to find a gathering that he wouldn’t be a part of (and required flying across the country for), he ended up weaseling his way in last minute. I had a panic attack and had to call my parents and admit to them what happened before and what situation I was in now, and broke down to my friends explaining why I didn’t want him there and they told him not to come.
I told more of my friends in the group about what happened, and was given a lot of sympathy and belief. However, this hasn’t stopped my friends from continuing to include him in activities, invite him to gatherings, and messaging him in our group chats. I didn’t expect them to do any of that when he already did shitty things during our relationship and after, but I expected this realization to shift the dynamics better than this.
What if it wasn’t actually that bad since it didn’t last that long? Or it didn’t go in all the way? What if I’m the problem for wanting him to be cut off from the group because this is what happens when you date within the friend group? I feel like I shouldn’t be friends with people who wouldn’t actually take my side and play nice with him for the sake of formalities but I also am so afraid to let these people and what we’ve done together go. The college group can be pretty nonchalant and kind of just focus on themselves and not the bigger picture, and are conflict avoidant but I know deep down that shouldn’t excuse anything.
My boyfriend says I should maybe have a conversation with the group, but my friends and family (and partially my boyfriend) say I should just drop them because those aren’t friends in the first place. I don’t know what to do anymore.
u/Leather_Aardvark351 — 10 days ago