Idk want to do with my life anymore
I’m having major existential crisis right now and its taking a toll on my mental health so much. 28/F, a 3rd year med student, and i think i wont make it. Idk if wasting is the exact word but i’ve repeated every year because i really want to become a doctor but after this uncertainty, i am forced to think of redirecting my plans for the future. Not to mention, other factors including the toxic household i have (the root cause is my parents’ marriage and how they always project their frustrations and arguments to us as if we have every solutions to them), how i feel lonely not having constant friends—yes, i’m in an org and i generally consider them as a “family” because of the brotherhood we share, but for some reason i also still feel lonely in this big group of friends. And every year, i get to meet new friends or groupmates since i’ll be joining a new batch but then i dont think i’ll be able to know them that deeply because i won’t be joining them as they proceed to the next stage and i’m left behind. And to add to it, (i know this is something avoidable but i’m self aware of it but i just cant seem to act on the supposed actions) i’m having a situationship with someone who obviously doesn’t want to commit and i just found out that he’s secretly seeing other people and it really breaks my heart and my trust.
But let us forget about that. I just want to focus on my life and my future. I just feel like life has been unfair to me because compared to the criminals (or the people in the government), i know in my heart that i haven’t done such things to get this. Year after year, i just keep thinking that i’m one of God’s greatest soldiers, and honestly, its so tiring and frustrating to be one. I’m tired of having everything as a lesson. I just really want to be genuinely happy.