This one is hard to write up. I’m confused, scared and I desperately need to know if I’m being dramatic.
I’ve been with my current boyfriend for 3 years. We met 13 years ago and had a fling (we were in our early 20s) but I decided to end it due to being overwhelmed. It broke his heart.
10 years later we met up again and started dating. In between then and now I have had another relationship and had a 5 year old daughter. They get along great and she very much loves him (she has a great bio dad as well!) she’s 8 now.
He is very sweet, caring and tries very hard. He has his flaws but who doesn’t! Two years ago he proposed out of nowhere as his dad was dying and he wanted to tell him tha he was getting married. I said yes and grew fond of the idea after another year.
His friends were exited as his “impossible dream” came through. The one the got away for him came back and they’re getting married!
He has helped me economically a lot, I’ve never asked and always try to find work and pay for myself. He says he’s been ok with that as he sees how hard I work to contribute!
Here’s where the story gets complicated. I never wanted a wedding but said I was ok with it if he wanted it. He arranged most of it, paid it and I wants much of a help. Tbh I would have been fine getting married at the town hall on a Monday, but it was sweet that he cares and dreams about it.
A few months ago his sister said she believes he’s done something bad to her kids 20 years ago when he was 15 and her daughter was 7. His mother and other sister said she’s just having an episode and I believed that as they seemed relaxed about it. Also this sister had a history of making things up.
For context: he has 3 half siblings, they’re all older and have another dad who died when they were teens. His mom then remarried their music teacher and they had him when his sibling were in their late teens.
After that everything was normal for a bit until his brother came forward and accused his stepfather (my partners dad) of being a pedofile and that he was abused as a teen boy. His dad is dead since 2 years back.
I thought that was terrible and me and my partner talked about it.
2 weeks ago, we get an email from his brother and his oldest sister. It says that my boyfriend sexually assaulted his cousin when he was 15 and that they believe he’s has suppressed memories about his dad, because of he was assaulted it all makes sense. They also wrote that if he didn’t admit to this they’ll cut contact.
He was beyond himself, he says he believes his brother but that nothing ever happened to him. He also said he can’t even fathom what she means with his cousin.
I wrote them a message after they ignored my partners calls and said that I deserve answers as a mother. I got to talk with the cousin as well and even though she’s hurting it seems like the claims are mostly her mothers accounts and overall it’s stuff like that “he has a boner as a teen sometimes” which proves he’s a sexual predator.
I also talked to his other sister and she said she believes my partner but also believes he has memory loss and has been abused and abused without his knowledge.
I’ve spend 6 days arguing with his family for answers. It been exhausting. I can’t sleep, I can’t eat and I throw up daily from the stress.
I’m also a survivor of sexual abuse and having to “take the side” of the alleged perpetrator even though I’ve seen every piece of evidence and I have asked my daughter in a non leading way (she said nothing has ever happened and we have a great relationship, she knows I got her back) I feel like a villain.
My ow trauma is back and I’m having such an ick for him but also for anything intimacy.
I’m so angry. His family knew this for months and didn’t tell me. He knew for 3 months but did think it was a big deal.
He has not lost contact with all his siblings and they also canceled the wedding invitations.
We are 7 days from our wedding and 2 days ago I told him we should cancel it. I don’t want to get married right now. We need therapy, lots of it, in the best of scenarios. Not a huge life event.
He said he’s lost everything, and paid all the money and if we cancel he might kill Himself. It’s our new start! He says. Or he will become someone me and or my daughter can’t live with,
I told him it won’t be a happy day for me. He said “well, it’s one unhappy day for you if we get married, if we don’t I might not be here anymore”
AITA for wanting to cancel this wedding?
Edit: accidentally wrote a name!
Edit: I arranged for my child to be with her bio dad full time since I discovered the email. So she is safe ❤️