My BF works overnight shift and makes enough to pay for our apartment. ]However, my issue is that he doesn't clean or upkeep the home. He'll do something if I ask him to, but I don't want to manage him. It puts so much stress on me to work fulltime, cook for us, and clean our house. He knows this, as I've told him multiple times.
From what I know, his mother was a SAHM and his father made most of the money. I'm not sure if his father contributed to the housework, but he was attentive to his kids. They divorced when he was young. Apparently, it was over his father's addiction to a video game. But I don't think that's the whole story. I tried to attribute that to his way of living, or why he won't do things on his own.
We did speak about it a multitude of times. The main issue from him is that he hates this apartment. The other issue for him with cleaning is that our apartment is 'too small' and we have a lot of clutter / furniture to move in order to do a proper clean. In a heated conversation, he told me it was just how he was. Regardless, he said once we get a place we like, he'll step up and do more. I even made him promise, but it's hard for me to trust him.
I am terrified of becoming his 'maid' or 'mother' in terms of doing all the cooking, cleaning, and nagging. My life growing up being a child who had to parent their parents traumatized me. But it seems no matter how much I try to have this conversation in a mature, constructive way - nothing happens. He'll rarely help, and it makes me feel good when he does, but it's not consistent. I don't want to be manipulative and give him ultimatums. Nor break up with him, but it's in my head to do if nothing changes.
Is there any other way I can convey this need to him in a way that'll stick hard?