Sorry if this is long and jumbled- I've gone back and forth on posting it but I'm here for my judgement. (And sorry for formatting, I'm on mobile and did my best!)
So, 5 years ago my brother, who lives in a different state, across the country, dropped off my 1 year old nephew to live with me. He was dodging bounty hunters for a felony and was anticipating going to prison for 10 years [allegedly]. Instead of turning himself in, as he claimed he was going to, he decided to go back to his baby mama and continue to do <breaking bad substance>. He didn't go to prison for another 3 years. In the interim since dropping him off, he's called maybe thrice, all within the first year and a half. I filed for custody and he and his baby mama refused to even accept the paperwork my lawyer tried to have served to them. My lawyer had to get permission from the judge to serve them via FB messenger because it was the only contact info I had for them since they are transient and choose thievery and <breaking bad substance> over their children. She's even shot him and he still married her AFTER she shot him! Mind you this girl is our nephew's baby mama! He left his wife and 2 children to be with this nasty 304 that's slept with several family members and has caused nothing but problems for my family.
Their other 2 children are already adopted by various family members on either side. I think he thought I hadn't gone for custody and this child would be the easiest to get back, legally speaking. So, a few days ago, he showed up to my house, unannounced and uninvited. I later found out he'd told our 2 eldest nephews that he was coming to get my son and the son our mother is raising. I didn't even recognize him at first. He'd been in prison but was let out waaay sooner than anticipated and as he's on parole; he's "clean" (at least he's providing clean urine on test days anyway). So, he showed up at my house and I asked what he was doing here. He said 'they' were "here to see the 'baby'". First of all, he thankfully had ½ a brain cell to leave that thing he occasionally reproduces with in the vehicle, or it'd have been a really bad day for her. But second of all, there's no "baby" here. My son is 6 years old! He doesn't know these people! I told him he can't just show up after years of no contact. He claims he's tried to call and I don't answer (he's a chronic liar and my number hasn't changed in 17 years). I told him that was BS and he didn't even try to argue that. He said, "so we can't see him?" And I said no. He said, "we'll see you in court," and left. They then called the police for a "wellness check". The cops saw my son was fine and said it's a family court matter but that they [the cops] don't blame me for not wanting them around him.
Even if he/they have cleaned up and are living sober, I feel like this is not the way your go about reconnecting with a child you abandoned. You can't just drop off a 1yo and expect them to be in some sort of stasis bubble, still being an unaware infant when you show up 5 years later. Furthermore, besides the fact that my son has no idea who these people are (though he does know he didn't start living with my wife and me until he was a little older), he's had a lot of struggles thanks to their choices. He has several developmental delays and behavioral issues requiring several types of therapies, multiple times per week. Maybe I'm a bad person for holding that against them but I'm the one who's watched him struggle, day in and day out, for years now. It took forever for him to speak intellibly- to the point I actually cried the first time we were in the vehicle and he asked for "fen fi an chih nuggehs" because I actually understood him and knew what he wanted. But him thinking he could not only show up without warning to "see" MY son, but to know he actually planned to try and take him from me just enraged me. He's a child, not an old t-shirt! You can't just throw him on a shelf until it's convenient to have him in your life again.
Anyway, I think I know the answer, but am I the asshole?
Oh, and for clarification, I'm a woman, as is my wife. I have full custody and the judge declared him abandoned by his birth-giver and sperm-contributor. We haven't yet adopted him because we had no address for the 2 of them. My lawyer for a "non-parent guardian" to gain custody was through a non-profit. When I contacted a lawyer I'd need to pay, he said it was a $2000 retainer and I'd essentially be burning money until I had an address for them. Adoption is the ultimate goal, though I have everything I need, legally speaking, for the time being- I have all decision making ability on medical, religious, and education matters for him, per the order of custody.