Grief bubbling up
A weird title but I have a reason.
I just wanted to talk about the way our grief bubbles up from time to time.
I After my husband said he wanted to leave me a year ago, I was crushed. I did a lot of stupid things (sex, mostly). I was basically manic for 6 months.
And when I wasn’t distracting myself, I was thinking about the 10 years with my best friend, my closest family. And just crying and lying in bed unable to move. Because how did I lose this man I loved with every single cell in me?
And it calmed eventually. Then it came roaring back when he filed and I sought alimony and we fought over it. Horrible experience because I still loved him and he HATED me. But I deserved alimony (and got it) for a myriad of reasons I won’t go into here.
There’s a mixture of anger and love, as you can probably tell. He was my best friend in the world and he fucked me over and hurt me more than anyone ever has in my life. So confusing.
Anyway. It was all pain and mania last year. And then we did our mediation and agreed to a settlement. And finished it all.
And I thought I would be in the clear. All done. Hands washed. I want him to be happy. I want me to be happy.
But since the settlement, the divorce grief has bubbled up all at once at different points. Normally I’m okay but Yesterday I was in tears.
The loss feels all-encompassing at times. And I never know when those times will be. I’ll be having a fine day and then grief will just hit me like a brick to the head and I can’t control the pain.
I know I have to ride these waves. Last year they were every day (when I wasn’t distracting myself). Now they’re every few weeks.
But the grief comes out of nowhere and it is not manageable. You have to call off your plans and just ride these waves of this pain until it goes away.
I guess I’m writing this for 2 reasons: 1) to say I’m shocked that I still have these waves and 2) to see if anyone feels the same