My (21F) friend (21M) was accused of SA in high school, when I knew him, do I stop being friends?
In high school (HS), he had something like 5 girlfriends, over the course of 2-ish years before he left to another school because of the harassment from the girls' friends. When he and I'd talk back then, he'd say that he'd check in during their sexual exploits and ask if they're alright and that all his relationships had safe words that they could use.
I believed him, I never spoke to the girls about it, some of which were my friends - and the closest of which told me they broke up without bad-blood.
Come to find out 5-years later from her (21F), that she was raped in a church parking lot by him. She hadn't felt comfortable with what was happening and he'd been really pushy over the last few weeks and they did things that she didn't want. However, she hadn't said anything to him about it when it was happening, nor after they went home or broke up. I was aghast, I knew that in the last several years, since he graduated HS, he'd been going to therapy and working through what made this kind of happen.
Now, I, before finding out about the church parking lot from my old friend (though we no longer speak), had a short friends-with-benefits with him. I felt I could trust him. And it was chill, we hooked up like 3 times? The last time made clear to me how these misunderstandings were happening; I had told him that I didn't want anything under my belt but he slowly convinced me otherwise - and things kept going past what I'd wanted them to, but I hadn't said anything. I was consenting but for HS and for younger people, I can understand that it feels like a very heavy pressure to consent.
Whenever I'd spoken to him about the past, like HS, and about the relationships that failed for him, he'd be confused but say he really wanted to grow and actually learn but that the women who he broken up with didn't want to hear from him and he had to respect that.
When I heard about the church parking lot, I told him I couldn't be his friend because, although he was growing and making effort to change, I knew him too long - I knew him when he made those choices and it's like I am approving of them, which I do not.
But I do miss him, we'd known each other for 7, nearly 8, years at that point. He helped me through my parents divorce and was a pretty solid friend to have, but I don't want to support SA or ignore the people who he's hurt. Be friends or no?