I never wanted to get married, that's what kills me. I never thought I'd find the Man. Then I did. Got married 7 years ago. Beautiful wedding. Everything was beautiful because we were just so in love. My man is handsome, very intelligent, super funny, loyal, an incredibly nice and kind person and we click on oh so many levels. It hasn't just been easy, because life kept throwing shit at us but we managed it all gracefully, I think.
Then we come to 2023. I started to work on this project at work, which was absolutely amazing for me to work on and an honour to even be invited to participate in. My hubby was proud. I was beyond ecstatic. But it was tough. Required long hours. Now I'm the kind of person that really focuses when it comes to it, I'm a hard worker, a perfectionist to a degree. It wore on him I knew, even though he supported me, every step of the way. I promised that once I'd finished it, all would be better - there was a very clear finish line. Finish it I did, quite successfully. And I jumped straight into making it up to my husband. I was trying to be the perfect wife. We were good again. Finally, we thought, we could start moving forward again, babies, moving, all that jazz. He got a new job. We were h.a.p.p.y. The happiest since we first got together.
And then tragedy struck.
He had a really shitty day one day. Witnessed something he really shouldn't have. Nobody should. Can't go into specifics but I'd be completely messed up too...we just deal with difficult situations differently. I hadn't, at the time, understood how much this impacted him because I simply hadn't known the full story so admittedly, I wasn't, in the immediate aftermath, as much of a support as I should've been and it's something I will probably never forgive myself. So immediately after it'd happened, he went drinking with his buddies. And didn't come home the next day. He'd had s with a random girl in a bar. I was crushed. My entire world imploded. Needless to say, faithfulness is important to me.
I left to stay with a friend for a while. He was beyond apologetic; he hated himself for hurting me. But I came back, because I really did genuinely love him and believed him to be my soul mate and I thought that because of the insane circumstances that this has happened in, we could figure it out, we could work through it. It was terrible though. I didn't trust him, it was like I became this whole other person...I didn't feel the love I'd felt throughout our relationship and it was completely soul-crushing to me because loving someone like that had become part of my identity. But we managed. We found happiness where we could but it was never the same after that.
Fast forward two years. I got pregnant (it wasn't, let's say, super planned). And omg, while I was in the bathroom, staring at the fourth test of that day, confirming that I was indeed to become a mum soon (couldn't believe it the first three times, haha), suddenly, I felt it again - that feeling of loving someone so intensely, nothing else mattered...only I felt it about the baby, not my hubby, though obviously, my feelings toward him had been warming up again. not quite the same level but I thought...close enough. We were both excited - if nothing else, I am 100% sure that my hubby would be SUCH a wonderful dad. Alas, it was not to be. I miscarried a couple of months in.
Two weeks after that, I woke up. And he wasn't home. Texted him asking him where he ended up (he went to a friend's birthday party the night before). He answered 3 hours later, saying he's coming home, with no info on where he'd been. Came home an hour and half after that. I think he was still a bit drunk. Slept over at a friend's. A female friend's which he'd admitted to like it was no big deal like it was obvious. It triggered something that felt almost like PTSD. I was shaking, I would be having flashbacks to the first time this happened, I felt disgusted and like..what the hell am I even still doing here.
Now. I don't know if something happened. Maybe nothing did. But it feels like it doesn't matter anymore. I can't look at him the same. It's like all the love I had is gone and all I want is to leave but at the same time, the very concept seems totally insane to me. And yet it makes sense. I wake up and I'm sure I have to divorce him. Then I remember what it used to be like and i'm not so sure. Then I remember all the other things that make our life difficult and I feel like I can't - and more importantly - don't want to deal with it anymore because what got us through everything was the love that I don't feel anymore.
We're in this...shitty limbo now. We couldn't sleep together because of the miscarriage for a while but I haven't even wanted to touch him since. I'm not even disgusted by him anymore just...indifferent which somehow feels a lot worse. The hugs feel completely mechanical and empty (on my part, not on his) and it's killing me because every time he hugs me, I'm confronted with the insurmountable difference of what it used to feel like Before and how hollow I feel now.
And yet. Leaving him still feels insane to me. But I know I have to. Is there anyone who maybe went through a similar thing....how did you...resolve this in yourselves?
Damn, this got long. Thanks!
TLDR: Soulmates, then he cheated, tried working it out, then he slept over at a female friend's house and I'm done, but don't know how to accept it's done and move on.