u/LastingRain09

I'm sorry for the really long, yappy rant.

I'm currently 19 and going to university soon. Due to the university location, I have to stay in a dorm for all my years there. However, I don't have enough money to pay for a room with an en-suite toilet, or even a single room without a roommate. Thus, I have to use a common toilet. I remember when I was 10 and temporarily living in a dorm for a month, I refused to shower for weeks until an adult physically forced me to. 2 years ago, a similar one week situation, and I got up at 4am just to avoid people. And even so, I showerered once every few days, which is horrible for this humid climate I'm in. I stayed up all night yesterday panicking after the university confirmed my place.

It made me think of my current position. My parents know about me and are not supportive, sweeping it under the rug. Even if they were, they (and I) cannot afford to pay for me to get diagnosed. Without a diagnosis, I can't request for special accommodation at my university. And even if I had one, I wouldn't be able to afford it anyways. Then there's the HRT and surgeries. Just looking at the prices makes me lose all hope.

I'm lucky enough to be able to go to university. I'm also lucky enough to have food to eat, and shelter over my head. But I also cannot afford the 'luxury' of being able to transition. I want to transition as fast as possible because I don't know how much more I can take, but just to get the money, I might need to save for a decade, or more. Because helping to clear debts are more important than this... luxury. Everybody claims that for you to pass, its best to transition earlier during your teens. To do it at 30 and older, there's a dread within me that I wouldn't change all that much. I might not even have the strength to make it to 30 at this rate.

In the working world, I know I would get discriminated against if I don't pass. While being interviewed for internship and all, I was even questioned about my 'appearance'. Adults inform me that no one would hire me like this because I'm 'improper', and I know that's true because of how I'm currently treated in this traditional society. And I know that many firms here even force you to wear clothes that align to your sex.

Everytime I see people able to transition, especially at such a young age, I can't help but feel bitter jealousy. I'm jealous of their familial support, and I'm jealous of their financial situation. I know it's bad which is why I push being transsexual out of my life, as far as possible, to focus on other things. But there are times, such as recently, when reality just crashes for me.

I hate being poor. If my household's financial situation was better, they might be more accepting towards me and agree on psychological intervention, and a diagnosis might push them in the right direction. A diagnosis would allow the university better accommodations for me. Here, you can only start HRT at 21 through the public route. If I had more money, I could go the private route and start now. I could get surgery and the body I need, fast enough that my sex marker would be changed by the time I enter the workforce.

But I fucking can't.

Not to mention, my support is a thin, paper pillar because my youth was wasted being depressed from this condition and thus highly antisocial. I have no one to lean on. The idea of having to turn to LGBT support organisations sickens me as well because I feel so distant to my 'identity' and it just rubs in the dysphoria. Therapy, obviously, costs money.

Where do I go? What do I do?

Really, I don't know how much more I can live like this.