u/Last_Engine4167

Hi. I’m not really sure how to convey the thoughts and words I have to share so please bear with me. I’ve been thinking back on my childhood/teenage years a lot as of late. When I was a kid my great aunt who I spent most of my childhood with until I was 12 had this friend who would come over and I always thought he was nice. He’d buy me expensive gifts, the two I can remember were an iPod touch and a 3DS. He was old, idk how old but probably late 60s or early 70s. He’d make me sit on his lap and kiss him. I couldn’t recall if he ever touched until tonight but I’ll get to that. My aunt thought it was cute and would call me his little “girlfriend”. I don’t know if she was just naïve to his true nature and intentions or if she knew and just didn’t care, I’m choosing to believe the former for my own sanity and to think badly about my now dead aunt because everyone in my family held her to such a high regard and loved her very much. It went on as long as I could remember until I was about 11 or 12. After he gifted me the iPod touch (I was 12 and it was the last gift he got me and the last time I saw him) I started talking to older men online, sending them pictures and all that stuff. I was a bad teen, didn’t listen to my parents, snuck around with older teenagers doing god knows what. I started living with my parents around that age because my aunt got a bad form of cancer and was dying. I was home alone one night and sitting on the stairs to our apartment complex smoking cigarette butts I stole from my parents ash trays and one of my neighbors came around looking for my parents, probably to buy drugs off of. I can’t remember his name but I think he was in his early 20s. He asked if my parents were around and I said no. He asked me if he could come inside and we could hang out until they got back and I agreed. I remember as soon as I let him in he started asking me about sex. I was a virgin and haven’t even kissed a boy yet. I’m not going into details because it’s gross and I also just can’t remember them clearly but I lost my “virginity” to him. My parents never found out. He left after that and didn’t wait around for them to come home. I watched the movie Mysterious Skin (2004) and it made me remember the times as a child when my aunts friend would touch me over and under my pants. It made me remember a lot of the abuse I went through as a child and teen and I feel sick. After I lost my virginity I continued to chase the high of being desired by people older than me. I’m overwhelmed with so many emotions right now and I don’t know what to do. I want to scream in my moms face for not paying attention enough, I want to track down all of the men who took advantage of me when I was a teen and do I don’t know what. I want people to know what happened to me but at the same time I’m scared. I’m thinking about how differently my life would have been if someone in my life would have protected me and asked about my day. I always thought I was just a “slut” or “whore”. As an adult I post pictures of myself on here and meet up with the men I’d talk to. It was all just me searching for the same high u got when I was younger.I have a loving boyfriend now. I’ve told him bits and pieces about what happened and he told me about his csa trauma and we kind of bonded over that. I don’t think he understands the extent of what happened in my youth tho and that’s okay. I don’t want to traumatize him. I’m sorry if this is hard to follow, I’m typing this out through tears on the bathroom floor. I just want advice on how to deal with it? Thank you for whoever takes time to read my story. I’m a mess right now all because I decided to watch that stupid fucking movie tonight.