Addiction and BPD
Hey all! Just a general question on this Thursday morning.
I’m wondering if there are any other sex addicts who have been also diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder? I was diagnosed about 2 years ago and it does explain a lot about why I am the way I am.
Add in some childhood sexual trauma, and it’s a beautiful recipe for disaster. Internally it’s a dire struggle every day not to think about sex. I grew up with the internet, so I’ve had porn at my fingertips for two decades at this point.
I’m married. I love her to bits. The bedroom died years ago because people change. Once that happened, I turned back to porn and any alone time I had to scratch this stupid sexual itch. Eventually the urges got too overpowering, I was weak, and ultimately sought out new sexual partners behind my wife’s back. I cheated on her with other men since I’m bisexual and never told her.
It all came out. We did counseling. She kept me around, and I know how lucky I am for that. And I DO NOT WANT TO SCREW THIS UP.
So why? Why about a year later am I scrolling the NSFW sub Reddit’s? Why I am I so eager to read about people hooking up? It consumes me. I masturbate way more at 40 than I did as a teen. I’m at the point where I masturbate nightly. It’s a chore I don’t even honestly look forward to anymore. I get depressed just setting up my stuff to get myself off. But it’s like this tick, it’s always there and it never goes away no matter what I try. I thought SSRI’s were supposed to help kill libido, that’s not the case for me though.
I feel bad for wanting a lobotomy. I wish there was a way to permanently shut off my sexual arousal. I’m so ashamed, my wife and I ignore the topic entirely. She’s still amazingly beautiful to me and a total turn on. But she’s not a sexual person anymore. I don’t blame her, that’s life. And the LAST THING I want is to come off as “needy” or horny.
So, back to porn I go. Nonstop. Fantasizing about posts I read. Searching my local area on various hookup sites to see if there exist any women who even remotely think about sex. Why do I do this to myself, CONSTANTLY? I don’t ever to actually plan on cheating ever again, so why tf am I looking? What about this curiosity is driving me out of my mind?
So yeah, that’s what living with BPD is like.