The Bar Can Get Lower
TL;DR: Idiot should leave with cat, surrender cat for cat's sake, and then stage death to frame animal and girlfriend abusing shitbird.
I know I'm an idiot. I blame severe clinical existential depression, as my psychiatrist puts it, anxiety, autism, PTSD, and general exhaustion from living in "survival mode". That has been a thing well before the pandemic.
I put up with way too much crap, mostly for my cat (my psychologist at the time reckoned we were good for each other, and we have been), and because I dearly love his parents and the example they set. I want the enduring, stable, respectful partnership they have.
I liked him, I loved him, but obviously that has waned through years of lying, cheating, general narcissistic tendencies, and even some emotional, financial, and physical abuse. (Which my depression figures with the guns in the house I might end up a statistic, he might actually face consequences, I get to die and the cat can eat my face before moving on to the friendly neighbor lady. Wins all around.) I helped him get over the trauma of his abusive ex. (I'm sure he did face some abuse, but over time I have come to believe she snapped after too much BS.)
But today? Today I try to keep it together so we can chill this evening after a busy week, and a particularly busy day that started ridiculously early. He comes home late, drunk, and immediately starts needling me to give permission for him to get more beer & then go off to smoke meth and masturbate with a "friend". (I know he's lying. I know he screws her, and the guy he was badmouthing me to during golf. I don't get so many post rape infections of the urinary tract, including bladder and kidneys, when he gets dumped. Depression says I only want my sex drive back so it hurts less to fulfill his "needs"; hopefully I don't get another Bartholin cyst.)
I was trying to keep it together as I found my mother had to go to the hospital, and I'm time zones away. (~12 hour, $1k flight.) I don't think my woes need to be aired out; he should just care to stay with me because he claimed that I'm "his girl & he cares", right? He should just not drive drunk because of other drivers, and not do meth, and not disrespect women as friends and girlfriends? If it's so little and she isn't important, why the obsession? He should not do it because he would be mad if I did, at least, right?
Even after I finally admit my mom had to go to the ER & then admitted for surgery, I don't think he heard me over the clamoring din of his addictions and mid life crisis.
He kicked the cat to hurt me. I'll bet he is too drunk to remember. I have no proof. I know he would get in trouble for hurting the cat, even if he gets away with hurting people. (He claims the cat is his and I shouldn't think of "stealing" the cat that has clearly bonded harder to me, and who I pushed hard to get.)
He finally passed out. As I tidy up for his sleep I get the confirmation that he is somehow even worse with the lying and cheating and the projection of all the bullshit he threw at me. I do have those screenshots. I do have some pictures of him smoking meth. I don't want to hurt his parents, or seem vindictive after he lied about me to them already, but maybe they should know so they can evaluate their financial support again?
I wish I could keep them in "the divorce", and that my mom is ok, and that I had a safe place for the cat. (We're not married, it has just been a long time.)
So as I sit here in the early morning dark worried about my mother, and listening to the sounds of his alcohol disturbed sleep, I wonder how tomorrow (today, really) will be worse.