I have been slowly accessing more childhood memory from EMDR with my wonderful trauma therapist. Since 9 it has been suspected by professionals that I was SAed as a kid with significant symptoms (immediate onset of severe mental illness after one specific time frame at 9, hypersexuality and exposing self, extreme fear of any intimacy or physical touch, recurring specific rape nightmares, abnormal sexual development, punishment/masochism/religious OCD developed, still unable to have close relationships) through my life but never one clear memory of an event, despite trauma encoded memories of touch or sensory experiences. I was physically abused and grew up in a domestic violence household.
I feel like I am getting closer to a live wire or a legitimate memory of being assaulted. I already struggle with significant dissociation and emotional fragmenting (extremely strong secondary dissociation functioning on the trauma split model, bordering on primary) and IFS has helped me a lot but I feel like my identity is wobbling on unstable foundations now. I am terrified that I’m going to accidentally unearth this memory and go into psychosis or go catatonic or get stuck as my 9 year old “self” (not quite an alter). It’s a different feeing from typical dissociation or derealization. It’s like the feeling of heaving before you throw up but in my mind. I feel like my mind is going to break if I recall the big thing. It feels like I’m going to give birth to a new version of myself that’s helpless.
Has anyone experienced this? Did the break happen? I’m going to residential treatment in a few weeks. Desperately trying to protect myself until then. Last day of work in about two weeks then I can really focus on just keeping it together until the bed is open for me.
I have yet to discuss any of this with a mental health professional because of the shame but it is now killing me and I plan on addressing it when I get into actual care. I’m scared I’m going to totally lose it.