Wife (39) and I (39) can't resolve our issues.
I'm looking for some advice on what I can do and change in my life to get rid of this constant feeling of being unseen in our marriage, which I know isn't true but I don't know what to do about it.
My wife and I have two children 3 and 7. The 3 year old is pretty demanding to say the least and I, more than her lose my patience quite quickly with him which I understand can be a stress factor in any romantic relationship. Other than that I'd say I'm much like most fathers doing his fair share in the household.
What it comes down to is the fact that for me intimacy, both physically and connecting verbally is super important. She basically only responds rather than initiates to everything in our marriage. Over time this gets to me. It's the same cycle over and over. We have a great time connecting over something, everything is good and then it spirals back into that feeling of being completely invisible. No initiation of intimacy. No cuddles on the couch. Not even a "hey let's go out for dinner on Saturday". This goes on for days until I start resenting her again because i feel like a dog asking for little scraps of any kind of desire towards me.
When this happens I back off completely which then results in her getting angry at me.
We keep coming back to the same conversation. I know I shouldn't stone wall but when I do open up the conversation becomes about me not being supportive, being controlling and selfish when all I want is at the very least to be seen and heard. When we fight I end up admitting all my faults and trying to be better. I've been accused of gas lighting and being unsupportive because I didn't show enough interest in her work. She doesn't have any hobbies or anything else I can really support her in. When I do try encourage her it becomes a pressure thing which then also becomes an issue.
I'm working on those things and I know things don't change over night but right now I feel like I've done too much damage to the relationship for this to ever be fixed. My confidence has take a huge dive. I feel like initiating sex is being selfish and she probably doesn't want to have sex with me anyways much like any other forms of intimacy with me. At the same time I have a hard time accepting that this is how it'll be because of what I've been accused of. In other words she's closed off to me now.
All I want is to be able to have a conversation, explain how I feel, no matter how stupid it sounds, without judgment and just be heard. Is that too much to ask?
Thanks for the advice.
Tldr; don't know how to feel seen in my marriage without spiraling and stonewalling.