This story mainly involves me (29f) and my father (61m), but the situation ultimately affects my siblings too. I have a strong support system, but I still feel like I'm floundering.
My parents got divorced when I was 13. My mother did her best to keep us uninvolved, so I didn't find out what actually split them up until a couple of years ago. Long story short, he cheated on her several times.
When I discovered the truth, it wasn't difficult to believe. Soon after my parents divorced, he met a woman, Rachel. I actually really liked her, even though I was still sensitive about the whole scenario. She was kind and playful with us, and I was getting attached to her son like a little brother. I was happy to consider them family. One day, my dad was dropping my brother and me off at my mom's when he stopped the car and told us that he was seeing another woman, Kelly. He told us to keep it a secret, but when I confronted him about the fact that that was cheating, he told me, "I'm an adult. I can do what I want." From then on, I lost all respect for him.
He was never someone I could rely on. He only really seemed interested in the four of us when he wanted to impress his new girlfriend. For years, I fought for his attention and played the loyal daughter. I even joined the military because it would give us something to bond over. No dice. He always pretended to be an involved father when people were around to see, but when the audience was gone, so was he. He doesn't call. Doesn't ask how I am. I don't think he really knows who I am anymore. I feel like I've been chasing the approval of a man who can't see outside of himself.
A few weeks ago, I broke. I was done pretending that everything is fine, because it's not. I wrote him a scathing letter, telling him that I think he's a coward and a liar. That he broke up our family for selfish reasons, and chose himself over his wife and his kids. Finally, I ended the letter saying that I don't want to have a relationship with him unless he makes some big changes. I want him to be a man I could look up to. A man of integrity. Someone I'd be happy to bring my future children around.
I texted his wife that I wouldn't be around anymore, and he immediately texted me to leave her out of it. So even though he is bombarding me with loving texts (he has texted me more in the last few weeks than he has in a whole year), he is clearly still lying to his wife about why I'm not talking to him anymore.
The shittiest part of all this is that I still have hope, and after talking to my siblings, it seems like I am the only one who does. They say he's a narcissist, and don't expect anything from him because he will just let me down again. I don't want that to be true, but I feel it in my gut that they are right.
I'm struggling with so many conflicting, exhausting emotions. One part of me hates his guts and wants to tell him to fuck off. Another part of me wants to make amends because he's my dad.
Does anyone have any experience with something like this? I know I need to move on, seek therapy, but I'm curious... is a relationship like this salvageable, or am I trying to fix something that will always be broken?