Me and my partner have been on/off for a number of years, there’s no malice it’s just a case of our lives being unaligned and then lining back up. We recently reconnected and things have been great, and we’re long distance. I don’t need advice or a commentary on our backstory, different strokes for different folks, but I thought I’d provide some context.
He recently went on a month-long trip abroad and since coming back, has been hit with a bad case of post-holiday blues that has sort of spiralled into a depression of “oh god I hate it here, where’s my life going, I’m so mad at myself for where I am in life, I have no idea what I want to do with my life, I can’t do anything”. I’ve been there multiple times before so I completely get where his head’s at.
He can be quite irritable and stubborn during these bouts, which again I’m completely sympathetic to and understand. I never hold this against him and seek only to support him.
Even on his better days, he hates taking advice from other people, and knowing him so well I feel it would be an insult to how well we know each other if I started with the whole Instagram quote “try drinking more water, tackle one thing at a time, have you thought about XYZ job/activity/goal?” I find them shallow but I also am very wary of not pressuring him with constant “how are you feeling really?” Or “you can talk to me any time” “one day at a time” type of overly-coddling and borderline patronising shit.
I’m at a bit of a loss, in the past if I’ve been too present or concerned, he’s got irritated and is like “I just need quiet right now”, “I just need to be myself to help myself” and I realise I’ve been disrespecting his need for space to recalibrate, I’ve apologised and taken a step back. However these step backs are always met with “why are you not here for me?” “Why are you being so cold and distant when you know how lonely I feel?”, “are you heartless?”
Basically, I feel like I can’t win when he’s hit with these depressive episodes. As I’m currently at a good stage of my life, I have more than enough capacity to be there for him and handle his attitude as it is what it is. I’m torn between wanting to be there for him, wanting him to be happy and wanting to help in a practical tangible way, wanting to do my own thing and be an example to him that happiness can be found by ourselves (ie, if he asks what I’ve been upto I’ll show him a photo of my latest craft project), wanting to completely step away and respect his space while he handles it, wanting to check in every day so he knows I’m there but otherwise leaving him alone, wanting to drive all the way and turn up at his doorstep armed with a hug and some snacks, and I just don’t know what to do.
I’ve obviously asked him “what do you want? How do you want me in this situation if at all? What is the best thing for you right now?” And he’s utterly lost and has no answer.
I believe in his strength to find his own way and own path, and have utter faith that things will work out for him, but I know how difficult it can be in those circumstances.
When im in that state of “please fuck off but also if you don’t message me I’ll cry” I also have no clue what I want people to do or if I want to be near people or far away from them, so I get his predicament.
For those who’ve also been in these episodes of utter confusion and shame and loss, where you can’t tell if you want to be by yourself or cuddled 24/7, what ultimately was the best route a partner took in helping and supporting you?