u/Large-Box6095

This is long, but the relationship was long, so bear with me.

We met as a hookup about three years ago. I'm polyamorous, so when feelings developed, it wasn't a big deal to me to date casually and see where things went. I wasn't asking him for exclusivity. He had his own fwb situation going on, but he was immediately jealous of my dates, even while his comments made clear he didn't see us as serious.

This set the tone for everything that followed.

The push-pull cycle: Every time I tried to have a real conversation about where we stood, he'd say he wasn't ready for a relationship. The moment I pulled back or tried to end things, he'd suddenly start talking about wanting one. This happened roughly every three weeks for the first five months. He stayed active on dating apps and justified it by saying we weren't "really dating." I eventually deleted my profile in front of him, and he freaked out. He kept his, paid for a subscription, and pushed me toward offering him monogamy without ever promising it in return.

What I wasn't allowed to do: Talk about my kids. Mention personal problems. Leave anything at his place (joking about it once made him spiral). Talk about deepening the relationship without him redirecting to sex or saying "it's not a good time."

Early on, I was in a serious accident with him. I had a brain bleed, broken bones, and a concussion. He helped me, but admitted it was because he feared legal responsibility. While we were waiting for the doctor, he pressured me into a sexual act. He later used his "caretaking" as leverage in arguments, while simultaneously dismissing my ongoing injuries when they inconvenienced him.

We broke up, then got back together about eight months in, when we ran into each other. He said he finally wanted a relationship. But in practice: dates were last-minute or forgotten entirely, he prioritized going out with friends before making plans with me, wouldn't post about me on social media (but posted constantly about friends and parties), wouldn't tell his family about me, and still wouldn't engage with the trust issues I'd raised.

I wrote him a letter detailing the hurt and trust damage from his behavior. His response was that since we weren't "actually dating," there was nothing to work on. Three years later, he says he still can't take anything from that letter.

What I found out: About a year and a half in, I reached out to a former friend of his — someone he'd always praised — to understand why they'd had a falling out. She showed me screenshots of him actively picking up other women while he was trying to get me back. He never told anyone he had a girlfriend. She also told me he'd been accused of sexually assaulting another friend at a party.

I posted about him in a Facebook "Are We Dating the Same Guy" group; the behavior, the mistreatment, and the assault accusation. He lost friends over it. He has never stopped throwing it in my face, saying I ruined his life and that's why he can't trust me or move forward with our relationship. He has never genuinely apologized for any of his behavior, while I continued to apologize, beg, and plead for forgiveness.

What I tried to do to fix things: I found couples counseling. He quit because the homework was too triggering of his childhood (homework was simply find a way to connect daily). I built a weekly discussion guide for us and tried to work on it together. He never touched it.

Every single time he asked me to communicate differently, I adjusted. The one thing I wouldn't do is stay once the relationship became genuinely miserable. And every time I left, that's when he'd promise to post about us on social media, work on introducing me to his family, or claim he had plans for us.

He now says I'm "hyper critical" and "mean" for continuing to ask to be acknowledged publicly as his partner or call him out on his mistreatment of me.

So — AITA? For posting in that group, for leaving repeatedly, for wanting basic relationship acknowledgment after three years? I'm struggling to see it clearly anymore.