rocd experince and ERP
Hi, English isn't my first language, but I wanted to post something.
I've been dealing with relationship OCD since I started dating my girlfriend. I'm not an emotional person; I've had anxiety for as long as I can remember, and when I discovered relationship OCD, I also started noticing my health OCD. I'm in my therapy journey.
This is the first relationship I've ever had; it's a lesbian relationship. I know I love my girlfriend, but I don't know if it's a normal romantic relationship or just a friendship. I can't imagine a future with her. I see other people and doubt my attraction to her (and it affects me, to the point where I avoid my friends because they remind me of her—or so I think).
I enjoy intimacy, but at the same time, I feel anxious when I think about her or when we start being intimate. And I mean sexual intimacy, and even more innocent intimacy, like just kissing.
I wake up in the mornings constantly thinking that I don't love her. I keep imagining situations where I'm not with her, or even where she's not with me. I hate all of it, but I'm not sure if it's a sign that something's wrong with me.
My friend told me to take a break from my girlfriend, but I don't want to. I know I'd feel some relief because the object of my obsessions wouldn't be around. And I want to be with her, but I don't know if it's because I don't want to hurt her or because I just want to be with her.
All I know is that I don't want to lose her.
Has anyone else felt this way? I'm not looking for reassurance; I just need to know I'm not alone. When I think about the future, I don't see a recovery (or even an improvement), not with her 😞 And I don't want that.
Finally, I'm doing ERP and I'm experiencing some difficulties. One of them is the absence of anxiety (sometimes, or most of the time, when I do it), but then I feel worse because I feel like it confirms that I don't love my gf. I don't know if this is a normal experience with ERP. Advices?