I wanted so much more for myself. I had gone through a lot of hardship in my younger life, and I fought back hard. I muscled through until I thought I came out of it stronger, smarter, successful, and beautiful.
And now I feel like a shell of myself. I look back at that young woman and just think wow - I really let her down. I am in a marriage with someone who is very opposite of me in so many ways, which was alluring at first but I should have known would end up a miserable situation. I am unnoticed at best, actively disliked at worst.
I carry the weight of nearly everything. Default parent. Breadwinner. Household duties. I put everyone else’s needs first. I ensure the family is comfortable - financially, logistically, emotionally. And yet, I sleep on the couch in my office every night because my husband’s presence induces so much anxiety in me that I cannot sleep near him (don’t even ask about intimacy - neither of us initiate anything physical ever). The criticism and dismissal of my needs as a human being are constant now.
I don’t know how I went from feeling like a powerful force to feeling so completely unseen and unvalued. I have been so gaslit over the last decade that I don’t trust myself. I have initiated therapy for us so many times - I read books, listen to podcasts, figure out how I can be better…I bend and flex so much to try to make our lives peaceful. I have taken 100% of the emotional labor burden.
But the thought of not having my children with me every day destroys me. And the thought of the harm that this example of marriage is doing to them also destroys me. Why is it that some people put so much more effort into controlling and manipulating rather than just having a loving, respectful, cooperative marriage? How did I end up in this mess? Was this his plan all along? I am the frog in the slowly boiling pot. I don’t know what I’m looking for here. Perhaps just some connection and understanding that I am so utterly lacking.